Week Mayhem!
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Cheetah, a chimpanzee said to have performed in the “Tarzan” films of the 1930s, has died at the age of 82, according to the Florida sanctuary where he lived.Cheetah was said to have performed in “Tarzan the Ape Man” (1932) and “Tarzan and His Mate” (1934), classic films about a man reared in the jungle starring Johnny Weissmuller and Maureen O’Sullivan.
Cheetah was a leading figure in the simian gay community and the chairman (?) of the Ape Pride parade, as well as national spokesperson (?) for the Simian AIDS Awareness movement. He is survived by his much younger mate, George of the Jungle, his aunt Bubbles, and his cousin Magilla Gorilla.
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It seems that Kim Jong-ill is no longer ill, but rather dead since they buried him today!
A hearse carrying the coffin was led by a weeping Kim Jong-un, the son and heir who will now be called Kim Jong-non, or maybe even Kim Jong-not, since he was accompanied by Kim Song-thaek, his uncle and a key power-broker in the transition, and Kim Yong-ho, the army chief of staff who also wanted some of the limelight!
Video showed weeping civilians who swayed with grief and shouted “father, father” as black Lincoln and Mercedes limousines and army trucks streamed past the crowds. It was not clear whether the pictures were live or recorded, although state television announcer Kim Ho-yeol said it had been carried live.
“I wished it was a dream, how can this be true,” sobbed one middle-aged woman named Kim. “How can anything like this ever happen in the world?”
(Additional reporting by Christine Kim, Iktae Park-Kim, and Kim Sang-hak.)
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Most people have had a bathroom accident at some time, but it probably didn’t involve a gun.
A Connecticut man had to be hospitalized on Christmas Eve after accidentally shooting himself while on the toilet.
Darrel Johnson, 51, originally told police he’d been shot during an attempted robbery but later changed his story, reported the Connecticut Post.
Johnson, who has a criminal record, had recently gotten his hands on a small-calibre revolver for “personal protection,” said the report, and had forgotten he’d moved the gun from his pocket to the waistband of his pants.
The gun fell, hit the toilet and went off, shooting Johnson in the leg, the newspaper reported.
Police are still investigating and may lay charges.
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A MAN of 63 who complained to police that two prostitutes he hired for a threesome had ignored him has been arrested.
Jerry Streng paid them £300 but was only allowed to sit on the edge of the bed and watch as they had sex.
They refused to give back the money, so he reported a robbery.
Police in Berlin, Pennsylvania, arrested Jacqueline Eubanks, 50, and Tonia Good, 34, but also held him for using hookers
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CHATHAM, Ont. – What do hamburger-eating cats, video game squabbles and an unwanted carpet roll have in common?
Chatham-Kent police can’t quite believe it, but people in their southwestern Ontario area apparently thought these were all situations requiring an emergency response.
A woman who called 911 because her cats ate her Whopper and she wanted another one earned the dubious top spot on the Chatham-Kent Police Service “Top 10 Silly Calls of 2011.”
It’s the third annual instalment of the list. Last year’s No. 1 was a woman who called police to complain that her ex-boyfriend gave her perfume as a gift, when all she really wanted was drugs.
“It does surprise me that we’re still getting these … calls that are so outlandish,” said Const. Michael Pearce.
This year there was such an embarrassment of riches that the force could have issued a Top 20 list, but managed to pare it down to 10, Pearce said.
“We don’t want people to stop calling 911 or the police if they need assistance, but we want to make sure that it’s police-related,” he said.
One of Pearce’s favourites that should not have warranted a call to police was about an errant carpet that turned out to be not so errant after all.
A man called to report that he found a roll of carpet on his front lawn and wanted an officer to come to his home. He later cancelled his call when he found out his wife put it there.
Also not requiring police intervention: domestic squabbles over which video game system to play or who gets to sleep on a certain side of a sofa.
Pearce said he suspects alcohol was a factor in some of the top 10 calls.
The full list from the Chatham-Kent Police Service:
10. During a snow emergency in early February, a woman called police to complain that snowplows were cleaning her street and making too much noise.
9. A 17-year-old called police to seek advice. He wanted to know if he could disown his mother because she wouldn’t give him money.
8. A man called police because he found a roll of carpet on his front lawn and wanted an officer to attend his residence. He cancelled the call when he found out his wife put the carpet there.
7. A woman called 911 after being denied entry to a local nightclub. She forgot her identification and wanted an officer to attend to verify her name and prove to security staff that she was of legal drinking age. When she was told police don’t do that, she argued that they should.
6. A man called 911 to request an ambulance for a friend. Before the call ended, a man was heard in the background saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll get rid of the dope.” Police were dispatched to the location but were unable to find any drugs.
5. A man called police when he saw a “small lion” cross the road in front of him. He was also quick to point out that he had not smoked any drugs — “that day.”
4. A woman called police to have a man removed from her residence. She no longer wanted his company after they were sharing a sofa to sleep on. She wanted the other end but the man wouldn’t switch.
3. A man called 911 to report that his vehicle was just stolen from his driveway. He provided a description and the direction of travel. Officers scoured the area but were unable to locate it until they attended his house and found it right where he left it. It turned out the man saw a vehicle just like his drive by his house and jumped to the conclusion his had been stolen.
2. Police responded to a 911 call when screaming was heard in the background. The investigation revealed that a couple were arguing because the man wanted to play Xbox while the woman wanted to play Nintendo Wii. The breaking point came when the man opened a new pack of cigarettes while another package was already open.
1. A woman called 911 because her cats ate her Whopper and she wanted another one.
AND, ladies and gentlemen, time for our weekly “Asshole of the Day” award!
Having your foot run over by a shopping cart is not an emergency, a male shopper learned Tuesday.
Police responded to a 911 call around 3 p.m. from a man in distress because, he said, a woman accidently ran over his foot with a shopping cart and he required police assistance.
Police said the woman promptly apologized for the mishap, but the man was unsatisfied with her apology and wanted an officer to speak with her.
According to police, he refused medical care.
Police are reminding residents that 911 is for life-and-death emergencies only and that shoppers should operate their carts in a safe manner!
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