Sunday Morning Funnies! | BlogsCanada.ca

 

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “are you a real pilot?”

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

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A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, “I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me.”

She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, “I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts.”

Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

“Who was that?” the husband asks.

“Oh, that was just Ben,” the wife answers.

“Ben?” the husband says. “That jerk owes me 800 bucks!”

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A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.”

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.”

The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.”

“Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but whine since you got here.”

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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

‘How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’

The guy  left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he  goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.’

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing  hysterically.

The barber asked, ’So, where does he go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

‘Your house!’

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A Newfoundlander goes into a Tom Horton’s in Gander, NL and notices there’s a “Roll Up The Rim To Win” Contest going on. So, he rolls it up and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The girl at the counter says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
But the person keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t have possibly won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”
The person says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!”
And they hand the Cup to the manager and HE reads:

“W I N A B A G E L”

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During a Revenue Canada audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…

… “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure we find that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Sunday Morning Funnies! | BlogsCanada.ca