Sunday Morning Funnies!

                   

   

One last Halloween joke!

 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.   He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.  He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”
Happy Halloween   AAAAHHHHHAHAHH

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Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes

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A “Brief” Comparison

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs” and “Huggies”, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”:

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em and Hug’em.
When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

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AND FINALLY, ANOTHER “ASSHOLE OF THE DAY”

ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it…

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

 

A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’

 

I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

 

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.  After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ and hung up.

 

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’

 

It always cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.  So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.  I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone.

 

I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.

 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.  I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

 

I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.  A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

 

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

 

He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

 

I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

 

He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax , it’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’

 

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’

 

He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

 

I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’

 

He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

 

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’

 

He said, ‘Yes?’

 

I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’  Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.  Then I came up with an idea…I called asshole #1.

 

He said, ‘Hello’

 

I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)

 

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

 

I said, ‘Yeah!’

 

He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’

 

I said, ‘Make me.’

 

He asked, ‘Who are you?’

 

I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

 

He said, ‘Yeah?  Where do you live?’

 

I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’

 

I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.  He said, ‘Hello?’

 

I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’

 

He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

 

I said, ‘You’ll what?’

 

He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’

 

I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance.  I’m coming over right now.’

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

 

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .  I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

 

I got there just in time to watch two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

 

NOW I feel much better.

 

Anger management really does work.

 

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OK, OK, ONE MORE!

 

“Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired – you must register a new one.”

roses
“Sorry, too few characters.”
pretty roses
“Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character.”
1 pretty rose
“Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.”
1prettyrose
“Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters.”
1fuckingprettyrose
“Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character.”
1FUCKINGprettyrose
“Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.”
1FuckingPrettyRose
“Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters.”
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
“Sorry, you cannot use punctuation.”
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

“Sorry, that password is already in use.”