The left-wing is crazy and the right-wing scares the shit out of me!

Allan's Perspective is NOT recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious. Some people have opinions. Some people have convictions......... What we offer is PERSPECTIVE!




Sunday 27 May 2018

Sunday Morning Funnies # 552


Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT.
 
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
 
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU 

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
 

WELL DONE!  NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
 
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A  HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?  IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW." 

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,  "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS."
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A  COUPLE OF HOURS.

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. 

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."

"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER 
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE." 

HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"

*********************** 



SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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