During lunchtime ... the thief entered the house, tied up the woman and, at knife-point, he told the man to hand over the jewelry and money, or else...
The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want, but PLEASE untie the rope and set her free.”
The Thief is truly impressed, thinks for a moment, then says, “Wow … you must really love your wife!”
The man replies, “Not Particularly, but she’ll be home in about 15 minutes.”
**
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
**
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2
witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last
wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
* My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
* My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
* My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
* "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies: "Property ? .... the asshole had a newspaper delivery route."
**
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
“What the Sweet Jesus happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. “It was Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want, but PLEASE untie the rope and set her free.”
The Thief is truly impressed, thinks for a moment, then says, “Wow … you must really love your wife!”
The man replies, “Not Particularly, but she’ll be home in about 15 minutes.”
**
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
**
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2
witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last
wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
* My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
* My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
* My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
* "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies: "Property ? .... the asshole had a newspaper delivery route."
**
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
“What the Sweet Jesus happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. “It was Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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