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Friday, August 31, 2012

Blame Canada! | BlogsCanada.ca

 

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We Gave Canada One Job: ‘Don’t Lose All the Maple Syrup.’ And They Couldn’t Do It.

Caity Weaver

We Gave Canada One Job: 'Don't Lose All the Maple Syrup.' And They Couldn't Do It.Welp, Canada fucked up again.

Remember like forty years ago when the world was choosing which nations would be responsible for which exports (United States: popstars, Sweden: frustrating-yet-affordable furniture, China: all goods), and it was decided that “maple syrup” seemed like the kind of thing Canada could handle?

“Is maple syrup even that important, guys?” asked Canada.

“Ohmygod, maple syrup is ABSOLUTELY important, Canada. I wish I had that. So jealous!” said all of the other nations, talking over themselves all at once.

“Okay, cool. I’ll do it,” said Canada.

Turns out the one job we asked Canada to do (“make—and do not lose track of—all the maple syrup”), Canada was unable to do.

Canadian authorities have just revealed that someone recently stole “a massive haul of maple syrup worth up to $30 million” from a warehouse in Québec.

Police and auditors have not yet released details of exactly how much product is missing; the current word is “a large quantity.”

If the thieves had somehow made off with the entire contents of the warehouse, Canada would have lost more than a tenth of its 2012 syrup harvest (3.4 million liters).

The Federation of Québec Maple Syrup Producers (three magical elves) noticed that the syrup was missing during a routine inspection of the warehouse, which is maintained as part of the world’s “global strategic maple syrup reserve.”

Nearly 13 million liters of syrup are stored in three Canadian warehouses to stabilize global supply and prices.

When asked by the world if Canada was even trying to not lose the maple syrup we’d asked it to watch, the President of the Federation, Serge Beaulieu, confirmed that the warehouse had a fence with locks and everything.

And you did remember to lock the locks, right Canada?

“I definitely think that I did,” said Canada.

When it’s not letting any old Joe Schmo waltz in off the street and steal all the product, Québec is responsible for supplying 70-80% of the world’s maple syrup.

Luckily, if you followed Gawker’s advice to start hoarding maple syrup this past spring, you can now sell your liquid gold for eight million dollars a bottle.

[Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers // CBC News (h/t Graeme) // Image via AP]

66 replies @Caity Weaver

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You are following DennyCranes comments

DennyCraneand 6 moreReply2 hours ago

That’s not true. Canada also handles hockey, and they’re about to screw that up too.Edit

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You are following sui generiss comments

sui generisand 3 moreReply2 hours ago

God, Canada!

I’m telling mom.

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You are following NorwoodIsMyHeros comments

NorwoodIsMyHeroReply2 hours ago

Caity, you write a superb Onion-style news piece. But this not the type of news that you should be writing like this with.

THIS IS MAPLE SYRUP WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE!

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You are following TedSezs comments

TedSezand 10 moreReplyan hour ago

At last, the all-Canadian heist movie we’ve always wanted: Thicke’s 13, starring Alan Thicke, Ryan Gosling, Keanu Reeves, Will Arnett, Neve Campbell, Jay Baruchel, Sarah Chalke, Michael Cera, Natasha Henstridge, Evangeline Lilly, Brendan Fraser, Dave Foley, and Eugene Levy as the syrup mogul.

The theme song will be a duet between Justin Bieber and Alanis Morissette, sampling “Let’s Go to the Mall” by Robin Sparkles.

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You are following gramercypolices comments

gramercypoliceand 3 moreReplyan hour ago

Canadian authorities have just revealed that someone recently stole “a massive haul of maple syrup worth up to $30 million” from a warehouse in Québec.

In its uncut form, maple syrup typically sells for $10 million per ounce. It’s only after the wholesalers and middlemen and cartels get done watering it down and mixing it with Karo Syrup and honey and Emma Stone’s sweat that the cost comes down to the manageable street prices we know and love. So, basically, they stole 3 ounces.

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breadnerand 4 moreReplyan hour ago

her america… when you finally come together to actually admit global warming exists, our trees won’t be screwing up. unseasonably warm winters are messing up the trees badly.
oh and critics who complain out us screwing up hockey… hockey got screwed up when desert and subtropical american cities got involved. it’s been the ruin of hockey ever since.Edit

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CheneysheartReplyan hour ago

And now we know- Cananda has its own mafia. Instead trenchcoats and fedoras its sherpa-lined plaid flannel shirts and wool watch caps. “Hey, youse, ovadere, ya wanna pint ‘o syrup for you and the misses? Wha? You don’ have a choice buddy, maple only.”Edit

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chadchadwoskiReplyan hour ago

“global strategic maple syrup reserve.”

No seriously, I am president of the global strategic maple… I’m an accountant.

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Phyrie MarshReply52 minutes ago

I live in Canada, and I know that sometimes remembering to lock the locks isn’t enough. Our local RCMP built a shed on the local dispatch’s property. Maybe because there was only two of them, and they couldn’t get their friends and family out to the work party that weekend, or maybe they just aren’t that smart, but they soon discovered a little flaw in their “secure storage facility”.
Our little island is famous for it’s green crop, and I’m not talking about alfalfa. During a raid out in the bush, our hardy boys collected quite a large amount of someone’s yearly income. They put it in the newly constructed secure shed, and chortled to themselves about their job well-done.
However, next day, the boys were surprised, saddened and more than a little embarrassed to get to work, and find the “secure” shed had been infiltrated, and all of the contraband had been “recovered” by it’s owner. What the cops-who-are-not-carpenters discovered is that if you just screw a fence to the side of a building, rather than building that barbed wire beauty ALL AROUND the building you wish to keep secure, some genius will figure out that he can get his stash back with a screwdriver and some green garbage bags (to carry aforesaid stash away).
Of course, our boys in blue can’t PROVE it was the owner’s of the green goods that robbed the safe house, but as this is a tiny place, with a furiously fast grape vine, we all know, even the red-faced RCMP. If the maple syrup had been in the that shed, it would ALL be gone, so count your blessings.Edit

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suzannecReply14 minutes ago

Actually, it’s a common misconception that most of Canada’s economy is based on maple syrup and hockey. In reality, our neighbors to the north have a vibrant economy that, per capita, rivals that of the United States. Canada has a robust film industry, a rich history of contributions to pop culture, and exports that range from oil to …

God, I can’t do it. You’re right. Fuck. They had one thing to do and they screwed it all up. Fucking Canada, man! Never should have trusted them with the maple syrup when we saw them spelling “color” and “labor” with a “u” and “check” with a “que”. And printing a picture of the Queen of England on their money. Come on, guys! Get your shit together.

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Overide Silexand 2 moreReply2 hours ago

OK wait One Second,

30 Million Dollars , Now assuming that is Canadian Currency that is 30,419,700 USD

A bottle of maple syrup is about .75c / oz so 40,559,600 OZ of syrup at US retail. Or 2,534,975 lbs or 316,872 Gallons! In all seriousness, WTF this has to be a error in paperwork…

How do you steal that many gallons of syrup. A Gas lg size truck caries about 8800 gallons. So 36 truckloads?

If someone pulled this off, I have a nice clap in store. Because that is just amazing.

Remember that is US retail on a shelf, I can only assume their actual cost loss is double btw.

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neo-ludditeand 1 moreReplyan hour ago

Federation of Québec Maple Syrup you say? I smell a sickly sweet rat! Québec is obliviously hoarding its maple syrup in preparation for its final move towards sovereignty. Fellow countrymen have mocked the Quebecois desire for independence “They’ll never survive on their own! Those crazy French Canadians!” It’s all making sense now.Edit

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99Problemsand 1 moreReplyan hour ago

Thatz okay. In America, we generally use “pancake syrup,” i.e. maple-flavored high fructose corn syrup, so we’re all good.Edit

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thisoneguysReplyan hour ago

If this isn’t the plot to a children’s book detective series, I don’t know what is. “The Hardy Boys find themselves in quite the sticky caper in “The case of the missing maple syrup”. (spoiler alert: the disgruntled dentist did it)Edit

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Keith EdwardsReplyan hour ago

Judging by the price of maple syrup at the local organic grocery store, that’s only about four bottles. (seriously, $20 for a bottle of syrup?!)Edit

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DavidMichaelangeloReplyan hour ago

I find Gawker fun to read but the tone makes me think more of The Onion than of a real news story. I always assume it’s fake news.Edit

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cpstasReply51 minutes ago

I love this article so much, its tone reflects perfectly my feelings for Canada. If their gonna screw up their maple syrup, then we should go in there and liberate that syrup. Also annex the country because at that point, why not?Edit

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oyeveyReply50 minutes ago

Some dude has some aliens in their basement and they need maple syrup to fuel their spaceship to go home. I can not come up with a better reason for why someone needs that much syrup.Edit

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Irritated2Reply42 minutes ago

I wish I was alive to see those talks on TV. I hate learning about the What You Gonna Make Accords from my lousy University of Chicago economics professor.Edit

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HumonculousReply2 minutes ago

Apparently Hiesenberg has perfected a new Maple Syrup cook. Expect some sweet sweet meth to hit the streets soon.Edit

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CaptainFabulousReply2 hours ago

Hey Caity, wanna know why all the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up right now? It’s cause Vermont is giving you the evil eye.Edit

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Lionel Osbourneand 2 moreReply2 hours ago

I look forward to this story being adapted into a movie starring non-threatening Canadian actor Shawn Ashmore.Edit

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BadLagReply2 hours ago

As a Canadian I would to say, screw going back to the gold standard, lets base our paper money on the new “Maple Syrup Standard”…as you said Caity, Liquid Gold!!!Edit

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You are following SUPERUGLYNYCs comments

SUPERUGLYNYCReplyan hour ago

When i think of what someone could do with all that maple syrup…I think of womens topless wrestling… but im sure there selling it on the black market.Edit

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You are following safaribeige29s comments

safaribeige29Replyan hour ago

Oh Canada!! Oh Canada!!

Can you get drunk off of maple syrup? Can you make meth from it? Cause what is the point of stealing that much? I suspect insurance fraud.

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dirtybaconReplyan hour ago

Shit, now my original screenplay “The Great Maple Caper” will seem like it’s nothing more then ripping off the news.Edit

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aismoand 1 moreReplyan hour ago

Does anyone else find these articles just stretch too much? With the humor and whatnot? Just the right amount is funny. But this, this has been to much.

Caity, I may love you from the small 1cm-square picture, but keep it coy.

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LorBReplyan hour ago

I think Walter and Jesse hijacked it on the way to it’s destination through the trains. Bastards and their crazy get rich quick schemes…Edit

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tedrouseReply27 minutes ago

Just so we’re clear, this is mostly Québec’s fault.Edit

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You are following ShinyLikeANewMintQuarters comments

ShinyLikeANewMintQ…Reply14 minutes ago

I’d send the mounties to Post. C’mon… WAFFLE CRISP.
This isn’t rocket surgery.Edit

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MeercatReplyan hour ago

It’s no mystery. This is Mitt’s solution to the gas crisis. MapleOctane. Try to keep up, people.Edit

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Sol_InvictusReplyan hour ago

If Caity Weaver had taught my International Relations class, I wouldn’t have slept through it.Edit

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NotChoinskiReplyan hour ago

Walter White did it, to make Mapleamphetamine. They shot a beaver in the process.Edit

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You are following SeriouslyIsThereAProblems comments

SeriouslyIsThereAP…Replyan hour ago

Great. Now what am I going to do with the 57,000,000 flapjacks I just made?Edit

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You are following circlegirls comments

circlegirlReplyan hour ago

Mr. White has figured out how to use it to make Meth.Edit

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linnyqatReplyan hour ago

It’s a total conspiracy led by Bernie Sanders and the weaselly state of Vermont.Edit

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BrockEffnSamsonand 1 moreReply46 minutes ago

Dear Gawker,

Go fuck yourselves.

Love Canada

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Sgt Hulka’s Big…Reply41 minutes ago

I’m blaming those state troopers from Vermont.
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linnyqatReply40 minutes ago

Speaking for my people, we are just so darn pleased to be acknowledged by you all!Edit

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You are following SeriouslyIsThereAProblems comments

SeriouslyIsThereAP…Reply39 minutes ago

First the Canadian Football League disappears and now this.

…What?… the CFL is still around?…Really? Huh…

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CountPenistoneand 1 moreReply2 hours ago

Breaking news: A suspect has been apprehended.Edit

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Ajrimmerand 1 moreReply2 hours ago

“global strategic maple syrup reserve.”

Really? Strategic? I don’t think that word means what you think it means. ;)

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Midwest_ElitistReplyan hour ago

The Canadian adaptation of Ocean’s Eleven leaves something to be desired…..Edit

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P_AirReplyan hour ago

They better not try that with potato chips…
[www.youtube.com]Edit

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You are following Muffinstopheless comments

MuffinstophelesReplyan hour ago

If this isn’t a Carmen Sandiego heist, then I don’t know who else it could be. Where’s Rockapella when you need them?Edit

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You are following sidesteppers comments

sidestepperReplyan hour ago

This has got super-villain written all over it.Edit

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SterlingArcherReplyan hour ago

So basically that means a black market for maple syrup is about to be established. That is amazing.Edit

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Vagina-IHasItReplyan hour ago

Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve. Just wow.Edit

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You are following ExecProducerRobert.T.Pooners comments

ExecProducerRobert…Replyan hour ago

Ugh. Now I’ll have to get my syrup from….. Vermont. BARF.Edit

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JayR727Replyan hour ago

Time to impose democracy on Canada – shock and awe, eh.Edit

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You are following laurafeuilleboiss comments

laurafeuilleboisand 1 moreReply2 hours ago

Spoiler Alert: This is actually the plot of the series finale of Breaking Bad.Edit

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satyrsynthand 1 moreReply2 hours ago

What does Gawker pay you Caity? I’ll double it.Edit

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corey3rdand 1 moreReply2 hours ago

This explains the new “Sugary Sweet Meth” being sold at my chicken joint.Edit

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Nilla Wafflerand 3 moreReply2 hours ago

What a bunch of saps!Edit

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Crash Cometand 2 moreReply2 hours ago

This sounds like the best heist-movie pitch ever.
Is that 30 million loonies, or real-people dollars?Edit

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econdaveReply2 hours ago

What a sticky situation!Edit

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theobservingReplyan hour ago

fitting.Edit

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You are following LMFAOSchwartzs comments

LMFAOSchwartzReplyan hour ago

“Forget it, Jake; this is Mapletown.”Edit

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louiseboatReplyan hour ago

Just love your writing!Edit

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Grim3Replyan hour ago

I blame a gang of bears.Edit

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rudi_freudeand 2 moreReply2 hours ago

Has everyone forgotten that Canada surreptitiously foisted Justin Bieber on us in lieu of maple syrup?

This is an act of war, ladies and gentlemen, that has gone unpunished for far too long.

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ArcoMeanyand 2 moreReply2 hours ago

I suspect it was those mischievous McKenzie brothers!Edit

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Sloppy_NachosReply2 hours ago

I heard if you return a bottle of syrup with a dead mouse in it, they will give you a case of beer.Edit

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AJ_Beeand 2 moreReplyan hour ago

We stayed the hell out of Iraq. Wouldn’t touch that. Wouldn’t go there.

So yeah … who fucked up again?

Blame Canada! | BlogsCanada.ca