Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Sunday Morning Funnies! | BlogsCanada.ca

 

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Newfie Diet

A Newfie was terribly overweight, so the doctor put her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day.

Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the Newfie returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

“Why, that’s amazing”, the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The Newfie nodded. “I’ll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat ‘tird day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

”No, from the fuckin’ skippin’.”

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Bono

Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia, when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice…”Just for a moment, think outside yourself…Outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

A loud Newfie voice from near the front pierces the moment… “Well, Lard tunderin Jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin’ clappin’, den!”

or this:

The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant.
It read “Happy hour special: Lobster Tail & Beer.”
“Ah,” he says to himself, “My 3 favourite things!”

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

“Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness,” he said, “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering – why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?”

“Ah, those,” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Winnipeg. They’re still too cold and wet to burn.”

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The Lumberjack

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the man. The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”

Cow Problems

The only cow in a small town in northern New York State stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Canada, just across the border, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Canada and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Canada?”

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Canada?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Canada.”

In recent years part of Air Canada’s settlement with its unions was the hiring of handicapped people.

One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.

None was forthcoming.

The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands. Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, “You know Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die!”

A large two engine Via Rail train was crossing Canada. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

An RCMP officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie the carburetor was frozen. “Well, piss on it,” the Mountie said.

“Can’t,” replied the rider. The helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later the local detachment received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.

Sunday Morning Funnies! | BlogsCanada.ca