Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sunday Morning Funnies!

Share • 43% of all statistics are worthless. • 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. • 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name. • A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man. • A bad plan is better than no plan. • A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx • A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. • A day for firm decisions! Or is it? • A day without sun shine is like, you know, night. • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. — Robert Frost • A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts. • A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. • A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future. — Robert A. Heinlein • A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. • A gentleman is a patient wolf. • A good pun is its own reword. • A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill • A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t. • A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. • A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. • A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. — Doug Larson • A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows. • A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. • A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. • A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. • A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. • A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. • A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend. • A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin • A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on. • A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. • A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool. • A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students • A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend. • A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire • According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist. • Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations. • Adult: One old enough to know better. • After all is said and done, more is said than done. • Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. • All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. • All hope abandon, ye who enter here! • All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. • All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. • All work and no play, will make you a manager. • Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Damian Conway • Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. • Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. • An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. • An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. • Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. • Any fool can know. The point is to understand. — Albert Einstein • Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. • Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. • Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. • Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. • Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. — Voltaire • Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. • Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. • Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it? • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. • Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. • Atheists can do whatever the hell they want. • Attitude determines your altitude. • Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay… • Bad spellers of the world untie! • Bald guys never have a bad hair day. • Batteries not included. • Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful. • Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun. • Be naughty – save santa the trip. • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home. • Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents. • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. • Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on. • Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon. • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? — George Carlin • Best viewed on my computer. • Better late than really late. • Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried. — Mae West • Biology grows on you. • Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day. • Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw • Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. — Kin Hubbard • Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid. • Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it. • Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place. • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. • Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done. • Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. • Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. • Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children. • Clones are people two. • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain • Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language. • Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. • Come to the dark side – we have cookies. • Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso • Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer? • Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. • Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redmoon • Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. — Mark Twain • Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime? • Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase. • Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.