Today it’s the men’s turn, ladies get their revenge next week!

 

 

How to read personal ads from women

40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No boobs
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former slut
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Professional…………………..Bitch
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer

19 recommendations from men to women


  1. Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
  2. If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
  3. Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
  4. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  5. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
  6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
  7. Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
  8. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
  9. When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
  10. What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view.
  11. When I ask, ‘How many guys have you slept with?’ It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
  12. When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary.
  13. When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
  14. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
  15. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
  16. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
  17. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  18. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
  19. It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

If men were in charge of weddings


1. There would be a “Rehearsal Kegger” rather than a “Rehearsal Dinner.”
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.
3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to have his and his brother’s football numbers embroidered on their tuxes! I threatened to walk out but he said I wouldn’t see it until after we said our
vows so I’d be stuck then!)
4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs
5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part.
6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ’73 Charger or some other Mopar muscle car with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man.”
9. There would be “Tailgate Receptions.”
10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. (Those strippers and all that alcohol sure add up!!!)
13. Men wouldn’t ask, “Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
15. The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.
16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
17. No one would bother with that “Veil Routine.” But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.
19. Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol’ ball and chain. He’s getting married.
He either:
A) knocked her up; B) couldn’t get a different roommate; or C) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line at half-time during Sunday’s Game. Please join us at the Clubhouse after the game For beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah, BYOB.

21 reasons why men are happier


  1. Men can play with toys all their life.
  2. Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
  3. Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
  4. Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
  5. Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.
  6. Men’s bellies usually hide their large hips.
  7. Chocolate is just another snack.
  8. The whole garage belongs to them.
  9. Weddings take care of themselves.
  10. Men’s last name never changes.
  11. Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.
  12. Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
  13. Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
  14. Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
  15. For men, wrinkles add character.
  16. Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.
  17. Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
  18. Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
  19. Men have one mood all the time.
  20. A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks
  21. Men can open all their own jars.