Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since leaving School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City.
They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark.
They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s.
They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples’ home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
—————————————–
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
‘First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.
‘Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’
The Inspector asked, ‘What about the third body?’
‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.’
‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.
‘He thought he was having his picture taken’.
—————————————————-
Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey every again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
———————————————
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City.
They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark.
They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s.
They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples’ home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
—————————————–
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
‘First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.
‘Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’
The Inspector asked, ‘What about the third body?’
‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.’
‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.
‘He thought he was having his picture taken’.
—————————————————-
Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey every again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
———————————————
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
- Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
- It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
- It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
- I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
- Funny, I don’t remember being . . . . . absent minded…
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