(National Lampoon)
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here… Deteriorata! Deteriorata!
Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort there
may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons unless
you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those
greater than yourself and heed well their advice, even though they be
turkeys. Know what to kiss… and when! Consider that two wrongs never
make a right but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and
despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in
computer maintenance.
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to
be here and whether you can hear it or not the universe is laughing
behind your back.
Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and
mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise
caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to
you. That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk
through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall
not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender
the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan and let not the
sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good
time, call 606-4311; Ask for “Ken.” Take heart amid the deepening gloom
that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that
whatever misfortune may be your lot it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to
be here and whether you can hear it or not the universe is laughing
behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god whatever you conceive him to be —
hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises
and urban renewal the world continues to deteriorate.Give up.
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to
be here and whether you can hear it or not the universe is laughing
behind your back.
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "Nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hardrive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love Peace and Quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficienty talented fool.
Athiesm is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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-------------------------------------------
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though
------------------------------------------------------
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "Nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hardrive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love Peace and Quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficienty talented fool.
Athiesm is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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