Sunday Morning Funnies!

Humour

                     

All the fuss about the XL and the Gateway pipelines not being safe is being blown out of all proportion kids.

For example, we here at the Perspective Research Department, along with the staff at the Naked News, have obtained these specifications for the pipe to be used during construction, and as anyone can see, the company is being meticulous in its approach to detail and safety.

2.12 PIPE

1. All pipe is be the very best quality, preferably tubular or pipular, is to be hollow throughout the entire length and is to be made of long hole, surrounded by metal centered around the hole. Certification must be provided to the Engineer that in all cases, the O.D. of pipe will exceed the I.D. to avoid the hole being on the outside.
2. All pipe is to be supplied to the jobsite free of rust, as this can be more readily applied at the jobsite and is to be cleaned free of covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before installation to prevent lumps under the paint.
3. All pipe over 500 feet in length must have the words “Long Pipe” clearly painted on each end so that the Mechanical Contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 1000 feet in length must also have these words painted in the middle so that the Mechanical Contractor will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is a long pipe or not.
4. All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words “Large Pipe” painted on it, so that the Mechanical Contractor will not use it for small pipe.”

O.D. and I.D. being, of course, outer diameter and inner diameter.
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Why Parents Go Gray

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, “Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “ME.”
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Rules of Living

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship, “I apologize” and “You are right.”
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
13. And finally… Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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Dear Readers:
Since this is Sunday, it’s time to get our weekly dose of religion!

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other
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And Finally:

Noun Genders in English?

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
Swiss Army Knife – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
Kidneys – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire – male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
Hot Air Balloon – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
Sponges – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web Page – female, because it is always getting hit on.
Shoe – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Copier – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
Ziploc Bags – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Subway – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
Remote Control – female…Ha!…you thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.