Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other
  1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
  2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
  3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship, “I apologize” and “You are right.”
  4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
  6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
  7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe them.
  8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”
  9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
  10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
  12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.
  13. And finally… Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
  • I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  • I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just assholes.
  • I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  • I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
  • I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
  • I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
  • I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  • I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
  • I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.