Important Holiday News

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl- currently in Hebrew- will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens”.

imagesCA4R5929In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa’s dentist.
The press conference closed with all present being led in a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.”
A conversation between Sheldon and Leonard of “Big Bang Theory!”

Top 12 Things Likely To Be Overheard If You Had A Klingon Programmer

  1. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
  2. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium™ processors if I am to do battle with this code!
  3. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
  4. Indentation?! — I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
  5. What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software ‘releases.’ Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
  6. Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ — they have ‘arguments’ — and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
  7. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
  8. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
  9. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
  10. By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
  11. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
  12. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Chemistry Midterm

17865-Clipart-Illustration-Of-A-Nude-Middle-Aged-Cacuasian-Woman-With-Black-Curly-Hair-Preparing-To-Take-A-ShowerThe following is an actual question given on a University of Michigan chemistry midterm: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

1073303-Clipart-3d-Sexy-Blond-Pinup-Woman-In-The-Nude-2-Royalty-Free-CGI-IllustrationSo which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

Why It’s Great To Be A Man

  1. The garage is all yours.
  2. Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
  3. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
  4. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  6. You can open all your own jars.
  7. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
  8. When clicking thru the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
  9. You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary items” with you everywhere you go.
  10. You can go to the bathroom alone.
  11. Your last name stays put.
  12. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
  13. You can kill your own food.
  14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  15. You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment.”
  16. You never have to clean the toilet.
  17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  18. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
  20. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
  21. None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry.
  22. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  23. You don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
  24. If you’re 34 and single, no one notices.
  25. Chocolate is just another snack.
  26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  27. Flowers fix everything (or duct tape).
  28. You never have to worry about each other’s feelings.
  29. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  30. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  31. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  32. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  33. You don’t give a flip if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.
  34. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
  35. One mood. All the time.
  36. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
  37. Same work….more pay. Well, OK, nowadays it’s less, but we still come out ahead.
  38. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  39. Wedding dress: $2000 dollars. Tux rental: $100 bucks.
  40. You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back.
  41. You don’t pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else’s plate.
  42. If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
  43. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  44. You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the bathroom.
  45. If you don’t call your buddy when you said you would, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
  46. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  47. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  48. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  49. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  50. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.