After a successful launch on Tuesday, India’s Mars spacecraft has carried out the first of six crucial engine firings in Earth orbit.
 The probe performed the firing with its liquid fuel thruster at 19:47 GMT. The aim was to gradually build up the necessary velocity to break free from our planet’s gravitational pull. (The Perspective Research Department has learned that disaster was narrowly averted when the Indian call centre handling tech support for the mission mistakenly employed the code for a trip to VENUS, and the error was not noticed until minutes before the burn!)
K. Radhakrishnan, head of the Indian Space Research Organisation (Isro), told the Times of India that despite the near disaster, the spacecraft was in “excellent health.”

Pakistan is the hotbed of International Terrorism, religious fervour, wing-nuts and kooks, and all sorts of other mean, nasty, terrible, things!
imagesAccording to the Paki press, all these malcontents, extremists, saboteurs, assassins and shit disturbers ………., are all being smuggled into the country by INDIA!
(And to make matters worse, these assholes have nuclear weapons!)
This is a statement for the U.S. Secretary of Defense:

untitledWhen economic and government systems fail, anarchy or terrorism can follow all too easily. We are already battling these forces in places such as Somalia and Yemen, but one country stands out in terms of the risks it poses: Pakistan.
I don’t have any personal animosity towards Pakistan or its people and enjoyed both my visits there and the people I was fortunate enough to meet. On balance, however, I think it is probably the most dangerous country in the world.
This is not as a result of any malign intent but as a consequence of its inherent political instability, the unpredictable and sometimes malevolent behaviour of its intelligence services, the ISI, its willingness to share nuclear technology with rogue states and others, AND its potential to export terrorism.

He goes on to say:
I believe Pakistan will be one of the most important puzzles for the international community to solve if we are to maintain peace and stability and stop the export of transnational terrorism.
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Our “Asshole of the Day” should maybe be nominated for “Asshole of the Year” as well!

Ken Anderson was a prosecutor and then a judge in Texas.
2-Ply-Toilet-Paper-Annual-AwardHe prosecuted Michael Morton for the murder of his wife and deliberately failed to disclose evidence during the trial, including a pesky eyewitness statement that actually cleared Morton.
Today, Anderson plead guilty to failing to disclose that, and got…10 days in jail.
OH, and how long, you ask, was Michael Morton wrongfully imprisoned?
Ah ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………, 25 years.
Scientists in Utah say they have discovered Tyrannosaurus Rex‘s “great-uncle,” a massive predator with a thick skull and large teeth dubbed the “king of gore.”
Apparently he was found living quietly in a northern suburb of Salt Lake City!

untitledO.K. FOLKS, officials say Joseph Palmarchuk won a $1.35 million lottery jackpot Wednesday in Michigan’s Classic Lotto 47 game.
But, what pissed me off is that he ALSO won a $1 million lottery game in Tennessee last year!
Spread it around a bit, folks!
(The Palmarchuks plan to hunt for a condominium in a warm state to skip Michigan winters.)
We all walk around acting like adults ………………, but underneath every one of us is still a kid in some ways.
The best example of this is that tape of Rob Ford ranting and raving about somebody who he was obviously very “pissed” at!
Well, OK, let me explain that,., he was pissed, but he was also very  pissed! Got it? Then he pissed himself …………, which got him even more pissed!
In 1938, Morrie Markoff, 99, met his future wife Betty, 97, and the two have never looked back. L.A. Downtown News reports that the couple married the same year, and now, with two children, five grandchildren and two great-great grandchildren, they couldn’t be happier.
Here are some lessons about love from the Markoffs’ seven-plus decades together:
1.) When Betty first met Morrie, her friend Dorothy told her he was not the “marrying kind,” and she was only getting her “hopes up.”
Lesson Learned: Obviously, don’t listen to Dorothy. Furthermore, you shouldn’t base your decisions on other people’s opinions, rather what you feel is right for you.
2.) Betty and Morrie met at Betty’s cousin’s wedding. Morrie was in town for the event, and seated at dinner between Betty and another beautiful woman named Rosa. Though Rosa was wealthy and well educated, Morrie jokes he chose Betty because she “ate less.” Betty does not approve of this comment.
Lesson Learned: First off, weddings are still great places to meet people, so start cozying up to your friends who are engaged. Second, avoid weight jokes. Lastly, Rosa might still be available!
Love 2

3.) It took Morrie 10 months of writing letters before Betty finally agreed to marry him.
Lesson Learned: Better start getting concise with those texts.
4.) Morrie doesn’t like to be “fancy,” and he and Betty often get lunch at the Department of Water and Power cafeteria.
Lesson Learned: Extravagance isn’t always necessary for contentment. Also, time to explore the perks of utilities. We’re planning to get coffee at The Gas Company tomorrow.
Love 3

5.) Betty cooks “the way she was taught in high school: a protein, a starch, a vegetable and a salad.”
Lesson Learned: We knew there was a reason for Home-Ec besides eating cake: a little bit of everything is the way to go.
6.) The Markoffs live in Los Angeles, and take the bus around town. They walk together daily, and in the past, they trekked 3.2 miles almost every morning for four decades.
Lesson Learned: You CAN be a pedestrian in L.A.! Exercise serves the heart, mind and body.
7.) Betty says love can be difficult and that when things get rough, people today tend to give up too quickly.
Lesson Learned: Hold off at least a couple days before you change your relationship status on Facebook.
8.) Betty and Morrie have travelled around the world, all documented in thousands of photographs shot by Morrie.
Lesson Learned: Instagram everything!
Love 5

9.) The Markoffs’ son Steve says his parents are “honest to a fault, and completely stubborn.”
Lesson Learned: If you want the house kept at a certain temperature, don’t back down. A little arguing makes life interesting.
10.) Betty believes the key to love is listening. “You have to speak each other’s language,” she says.
Lesson Learned: Always remember before you respond that autocorrect could have come into play.
I would write more kids, but I’m a little short on time since we are going to see the new “THOR” movie!
(Don’t laugh, it got 5 out of 5 stars!)

P.S. Not to be confused with Thora Birch!