Just before we get into the funnies, and usual Sunday Morning nonsense, I should tell you that always innocent reporter got several e-mails from the F.B.I. this week.
Seems they are doing a big investigation, and they want me to send them my name and address, and phone #, and birthday, and social security #, etc. etc!
I thought about it for a while, and decided that since I’m a Canadian, and have no plans to go down to the States anytime soon ………., I would just tell them to fuck off!
(Just thought y9u should know! -Ed.)

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“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
1045316-Royalty-Free-RF-Clip-Art-Illustration-Of-A-Cartoon-Cold-Featherless-Chicken“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …..she never got your E-mail!”
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Dear Kean Elementary:

17865-Clipart-Illustration-Of-A-Nude-Middle-Aged-Cacuasian-Woman-With-Black-Curly-Hair-Preparing-To-Take-A-ShowerGod bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs” and “Huggies”, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”:
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em and Hug’em.
When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
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“Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?”…the woman asked her husband.

“No”…said her husband.
4162-Naked-Man-Wearing-A-Wooden-Barrel-Around-His-Waist-ClipartShe gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse…and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra…and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her …and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?”… she then asked her husband?
“No ..no, I haven’t” …he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers… and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty pound note… and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

“Now” …she said. “Have you ever seen £50,000 all crumpled up?”
“No, never” …he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused… and excited).
“Well, go and look in the garage!”…she said.
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West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.

West Jet Antics
West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.

1073302-Clipart-3d-Sexy-Blond-Pinup-Woman-In-The-Nude-1-Royalty-Free-CGI-IllustrationHere are some real examples that have been heard or reported: on a West Jet flight. There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want. Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
On another West Jet Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
“Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

1073304-Clipart-3d-Sexy-Blond-Pinup-Woman-In-The-Nude-3-Royalty-Free-CGI-IllustrationFrom a West Jet Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
1073319-Clipart-3d-Sexy-Blond-Pinup-Woman-In-The-Nude-9-Royalty-Free-CGI-IllustrationAnd from the pilot during his welcome message: “West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton; The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

1073320-Clipart-3d-Sexy-Blond-Pinup-Woman-In-The-Nude-10-Royalty-Free-CGI-IllustrationAn airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of West Jet Airways.”
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”