It’s Nice to Have a Husband By Your Side
Over the years,
When the sink overflowed,
Or the car ran out of gas,
Or the lady who comes every Tuesday to clean didn’t come,
Or I felt pudgy,
Or misunderstood,
Or inferior to Marilyn Kaufman who is not only a pediatric surgeon
but also a very fine person as well as beautiful,
Or I fell in the creek and got soaked on
our first family camping trip,
Or mosquitoes ate me alive on
our first family camping trip,
Or I walked through a patch of what later turned out to be
plenty of poison ivy on what later turned out to be
our last family camping trip,
Or my sweater shrank in the wash,
Or I stepped on my glasses,
Or the keys that I swear on my children’s head I put on the dresser
weren’t there,
Or I felt depressed,
Or unfulfilled,
Or inferior to Ellen Jane Garver who not only teaches constitutional law
but is also a wit plus sexually insatiable,
Or they lost our luggage,
Or our reservations,
Or two of the engines,
Or the rinse that was going to give my hair some subtle copper highlights
turned it purple,
Or my mother-in-law got insulted at something I said,
Or my stomach go upset at something I ate,
Or I backed into a truck that I swear when I looked in my rearview mirror
wasn’t parked there ,
Or I suffered from some other blow of fate,
It’s always been so nice to have my husband by my side
so I could blame him.
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How to Look After Your Husband
(This was passed on to me as a “genuine extract from a 1950 Home Economics Book”. It may have been changed a little, but it does reflect the general feeling of the time.)
• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. His boring day may need a lift.
• Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then dust cloth the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too.
• Minimize the noise. Be sure there is no noise from washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
• Don’t greet him with complaints or problems. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Have a cooling drink ready for him. Offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a soft voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him speak first.
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead try to understand his world and pressure, his need to be home and relaxed.
• THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
—————————————-
A Long Life and a Merry One
(Georgie Starbuck Gailbraith)
Oh, women live longer than men,
So clearly it’s up to a wife
To shield her protector, then,
From the stress of domestic life.
She must send her lord to the daily grind
Armored with shining peace of mind,
And cope with the cares that her day may hold,
Junior seems to be taking a cold,
And the baby’s raising an awful fuss . . .
“Get going you kids, or you’ll miss the bus!” . . .
And the plumbing clogs and the washer quits
After tearing a brand new sheet to bits,
And the door-bell shrills and the telephone shrieks,
And it starts to rain and the back porch leaks,
And the kids come home and behave like weasels,
And Junior’s cold’s not a cold, it’s measles . . .
Yes, women live longer than men,
Or that’s what the experts say.
And women can tell you when
It certainly seems that way!
—————————————-
Oh, Promise Me!
(Nelda Wood Martin)
When he was courting
He promised me gold,
And all the furs
My arms could hold.
The world, so he said
He would lay at my feet,
I scarcely believed
But it’s true and complete: I have a gold filling,
(Third molar, I think)
And a purring old cat
With fur soft as mink.
The world he tracks in
All over the room,
And I sweep it out
Ahead of my broom.
———————————
Secret of a Happy Marriage
(Ogden Nash)
To keep your marriage brimming,
with love in the wedding cup,
whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
whenever you’re right, shut up.
——————————————–
To My Mr. Wonderful
Look what you got with me for a wife–
Bills to pay for the rest of your life.
Errands to run, dresses to zip,
Now and then a little lip.
Household chores–changing moods,
Sometimes strange, exotic foods.
But through it all, good times and bad
You’ve been the best husband a gal ever had.
It Isn’t the Principle of the Thing
(Gerogie Starbuck Galbraith)
I don’t, my darling, as you aver,
Insist on being right.
However badly my views may err,
I do know black from white.
So though my feminine ego’s strong,
I can yield with grace and say
I’m perfectly willing to be wrong
So long as I get my way.
—————————————————
The Secret of a Happy Marriage
A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, “When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling doilies.”
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