THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.’
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. ‘How long will this take?’ I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies.
I stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’
Without missing a beat he says, ‘Worked for your butt, didn’t it?’
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
———————————————————–
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu….
+Tourist:$5.00
+Broiled Missionary:$10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican:$100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
“Why such a high price for the Politicians?”
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?
They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning.”
—————————————————-
Tree huggers
>
>
> A woman from Vancouver who was a tree hugging NDP’er an anti-hunter
> anti pipeline environmentalist purchased a piece of timberland near
> Squamish, BC .. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
> She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she
> started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a
> spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid
> down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
>
>
>
> In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She
> told him she was an environmentalist, an NDP’er and an anti-industry
> person and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened
> to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the
> examining room and he would see if he could help her.
>
>
>
> She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The
> angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
>
>
>
> He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the
> Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land
> Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
> ‘recreational area’ so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I’m
> sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you
> down . Try Dr . Suzuki
—————————————————–
JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW!!!
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (glad I don’t live in Indonesia )
(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England – but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mothermust be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,…. not as great as Guam
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet..
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

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