The DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked withan old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out a distant location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!”
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
“See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I f*****g wish…. on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear…… do you understand???”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s enormous Santa Gertrudis bull……! With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety.
The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..!
(I just love this part….)
“Your badge…….. show him your F*****g BADGE!!”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?’
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’
The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’
‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’
19 recommendations from men to women
1.Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
2.If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
3.Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
4.Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
5.Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
6.Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
7.Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
8.The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
9.When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
10.What do you mean, ‘leering?’ She’s obstructing my view.
11.When I ask, ‘How many guys have you slept with?’ It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
12.When I’m turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying ‘Oh, this is our exit, Honey’ is not really necessary.
13.When you’re not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
14.The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
15.SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
16.Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
17.If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
18.You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
19.It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”
“That’s a complicated order sir”, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

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