2- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3- I can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
4- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really likesomeone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
6- I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” get’s thrown around in the courtroom.
7- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
8- I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what’s your plan?
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies” and “Pampers”, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em.
When old people crap in their pants, it Depends on who’s in the will.
Glad I got that straightened out for ya.
The sharing marriage…
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them….
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking; ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said; they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said; ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything’.
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked; ‘What is it you are waiting for Mam?’
> Two Newfies, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.
> Larry turns to Doug and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’
> Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.
> The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
> ‘Logic?’ Larry says. ‘What’s that?’
> The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’
> ‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’
> ‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’
> ‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’
> ‘Yes, I do have a house.’
> ‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’
> ‘Yes, I have a family.
> ‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’
> ‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’
> Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
> ‘Logic? ‘ Doug says, ‘What’s that?’
> Larry says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’
> ‘Then you’re a fag’
I took my dad, Woodsterman, to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
“What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …..”Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you are my kid.”