Sunday Morning Funnies #3

The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?" 

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Gold Coast Australia.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, 'What a peaceful and loving couple.'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America.’

We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.

Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her Purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment on.... We have lived happily ever after.'

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To all you golfers out there, take heed!  And the rest of you, enjoy the story!

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It’s Phil and I'm Okay thanks," I replied..

 "Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

 "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

 "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

 She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

 "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

 After a few restorative brandies, and some creative putting lessons,

I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is

going to be really upset."

 "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything.

By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart,,,," I said . . ...

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CONFUCIUS MAY NOT HAVE SAID......but would have, if he had thought a bit more!

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired... Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. .. ......

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"