Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Sunday Morning Funnies #332



A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. 
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" 
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." 
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"
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Traveling on the train

There was a Scot, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scot were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: “The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scot and got slapped for it.”
The Scot was thinking: “This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English S.O.B. again
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And since we're talking about the U.K.

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
 
Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
 
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
 
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco. 

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
 
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.  The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
 
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
 
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
 
The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
 
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
 
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.”

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MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE:

For those who haven't heard, Washington recently passed two laws.

They legalized gay marriage and Legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before
?!