Sunday Mornng Funnies #57848349

 One year after "The Donald" becomes President!

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Speaking about the United States!

California

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"

and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

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TEXAS

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

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As you can probably tell from this next little bit, your humble reporter is a "dog" person!

HOW TO WASH A CAT 

1. PUT BOTH LIDS OF THE TOILET UP

2. ADD 1/8 CUP OF PET SHAMPOO TO THE WATER IN THE BOWL.

3. PICK UP THE CAT AND SOOTHE HIM AS YOU WALK BACKWARDS CARRYING HIM TOWARDS THE BATHROOM. 

4. IN ONE SMOOTH MOVEMENT PUT THE CAT IN THE TOILET AND CLOSE THE LID. (STAND ON THE LID IF NECESSARY.)

4. AT THIS POINT THE CAT WILL SELF AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES THAT COME FROM THE TOILET. THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS! 

5. FLUSH THE TOILET THREE OR FOUR TIMES . THIS PROVIDES A "POWER WASH" AND "RINSE".

6. HAVE SOMEONE OPEN THE FRONT DOOR OF YOUR HOME. BE SURE THAT THERE ARE 

    NO PEOPLE BETWEEN THE BATHROOM AND FRONT DOOR.

7. STAND WELL BACK, AS FAR BEHIND THE TOILET AS YOU CAN, AND QUICKLY LIFT THE LID.

8. THE CAT WILL ROCKET OUT OF THE TOILET, STREAK THROUGH THE BATHROOM, AND RUN OUTSIDE WHERE HE WILL DRY HIMSELF OFF. 

9. BOTH THE TOILET AND THE CAT WILL BE SPARKLING CLEAN.
YOURS SINCERELY, 

THE DOG

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And just for good measure.

John stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' John explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion rolled his eyes and said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!