Sunday Morning Funnies #565

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.  Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:  The ones that learn by reading;  the few who learn by observation;  the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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 Knock knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No ................, to whom!

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RULES TO LIVE BY:

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
13. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
17. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
19. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Don’t miss: This video is depressing, but reminds us that Facebook statuses can be lies
21. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
22. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
23. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

26. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

27. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
29. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
30. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
31. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
32. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
33. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
34. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
35. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
37. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
39. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
40. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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 Good advice here! (I just can't be bothered straightening this piece out! -Ed.)
> >>> Butch the Rooster
> >>> Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She
> >>> had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the
> >>> eggs.
> >>> She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
> >>> and was
> >>> replaced.
> >>> This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached
> >>> them to her
> >>> roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a
> >>> distance
> >>> which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill
> >>> out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
> >>> Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but,
> >>> this morning she
> >>> noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to
> >>> investigate, she
> >>> saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but
> >>> the
> >>> pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
> >>> To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
> >>> couldn't ring.
> >>> He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
> >>> Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show
> >>> and he became
> >>> an overnight sensation among the judges.
> >>> The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace
> >>> Prize"
> >>> they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
> >>> Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
> >>> Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
> >>> coveted
> >>> awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
> >>> unsuspecting
> >>> populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
> >>> Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.