1. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
2.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s
a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We
would. But we need the eggs.”
3.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal.
I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will
close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit
unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy
drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of
its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone
buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a
try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll
give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle.”
4.
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The
mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’
French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and
sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess
that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks
him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for
breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the
fuckin’ French toast.”
5.
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak
English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to
the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come
on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says.
He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The
talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No,
hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog:
“Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!”
goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his
office onto the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said
DiMaggio?”
6.
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the
synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High
Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes,
though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and
is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds
we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
7.
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name
is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently
involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old
sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never
felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong
place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
8.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to
be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and
calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The
operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There
is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK,
now what?”
9.
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer
argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint
Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get
that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
10.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a
rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten
miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a
baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife,
cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the
ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the
doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
No comments:
Post a Comment