Sunday Morning Funnies #556

> Never Believe an Irishman An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when
> he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar
> as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing
> 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
> but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I
> said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.." Two weeks later the man
> returns to the bar.The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that
> typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? “Everybody's
> been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks so how much does he
> weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is
> puzzled and concerned. "What happened?""He was 25 pounds the day he was
> born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey.Wipes his
> lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
> him circumcised."

---------------------------------------

>A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, bickies, all sorts of things.  The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy."  The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William.  Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there."

>>>>

>>>> At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart.  Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

>>>>

>>>> Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.   She says:  "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it.  That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud  and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." 

>>>>

>>>> "Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin."

-----------------------------------

> >>> > The Art Collector's Wife
> >>> >
> >>> > A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
> >>> > asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have
> >>> > some bad news."
> >>> >
> >>> > The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good
> >>> > news first."
> >>> >
> >>> > The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
> >>> > me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring
> >>> > a minimum of $5 to $10 million. I think she could be right."
> >>> >
> >>> > Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant
> >>> > businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the
> >>> > bad news. What is it?"
> >>> >
> >>> > The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary. 

---------------------------------

AND FINALLY:

Inspiration and words of wisdom/insult for the whiners among us

1.. And which dwarf are you?  

2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.