Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!

(Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Sunday Morning Funnies #78569



A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man from Chicago, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?"
 "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.  
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!!   Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

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>>>>>   Nurses never laugh.....
>>>>>
>>>>> "Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.
>>>>>
>>>>> In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
>>>>>
>>>>> Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
>>>>>
>>>>> Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "It's swollen," Bob replied.
>>>>>
>>>>> She ran out of the room.

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On a bitterly cold winter morning an Irish husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time." 

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 A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"  All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"  Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.  The women were then told to take out their cell phones and
text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received In response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.  Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?
 

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While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other..."

 
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it honey?'

 
       And thus began my life of celibacy...

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A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis... OR...

3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call… You decide.