Sunday Morning Funnies # 568

Dear Readers:

I could go on and on with jokes about the Government, but I think this one puts the whole thing into "Perspective!"

                                                                                   

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

 One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. So, while one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

 "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what is going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

 The first man replied, "Well, we work for the government and we are just doing our job."

 "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You are not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting taxpayer money?"

“You don't understand, mister," The first man said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there are three of us: Me, an' Elmer, an' Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. But ya see, with the government cutbacks,

they are NOT buying any more trees so Elmer's job has been cut. So now it's just me an' Leroy.

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One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”I said “WHAT???!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!” I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I won’t be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell. 

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There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other and one day, walking through the forest they lived in they found a magical lamp. After a bit of fighting over it the bear took it and rubbed it, hoping for a genie to come out. When the genie came out of his lamp he promised the bear and the rabbit three wishes for each for releasing him from his lamp.
The bear immediately said “I want all the bears in this forest to be female” The genie granted his wish.
The rabbit thought about what to ask for a while and finally said “I want a motorbike helmet”. The helmet appeared in front of him and he promptly put it on his head.
The bear was confused about the rabbit’s wish but carried on with his second wish. “I want all the bears from the neighbouring forests to be female”.
The rabbit then said “I want a motorbike”.
The bear just couldn’t believe how strange the rabbit’s wishes were and shaking his head wished “I want all the bears in the world to be female” and the genie granted his wish.
The rabbit got on his new bike and rode off, and when he was some 50 metres away from the bear he yelled “I wish that the bear was gay!!”

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Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.  They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.

She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.  She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.

She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry.  And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.  She sits and talks with him.  They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.  And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"

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 AND FINALLY:  Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

“Dave, don’t worry bout it. You aren’t the first doctor to have sex with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single too …let it go!”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

“Dave, Dave, Dave……You’re a veterinarian!