Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! (Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!)

My wife is right, I am anal retentive...., so now I keep a can of WD-40 next to the toilet! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Sunday Morning Funnies #99



A while ago a new supermarket opened in Ajax , Ontario.It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.


Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions..

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.       -
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I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!

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This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech  support:   What kind of computer do you have?
Customer:    A  white one...
Tech  support: 
  Click  on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:    Your left or my left?
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Customer:   Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find  printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
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Tech  support:   What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard  is not working anymore.
Tech  support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't  get behind the computer.
Tech  support:   Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: !   OK
Tech support: Did the  keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard  is not plugged in.
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:
  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech  support:   Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
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Tech  support:
  What  anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
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Customer:
   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support:
  How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support:   OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
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This one and the next are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
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Windows vs. Ford...........

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a reliable car that was powered by the sun, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!

7...... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9........ Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computers!

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Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech  support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

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 These stories remind me of one of the funniest jokes I ever heard about computers. (I don't remember it word for word, so I'll just give you the bare bones of the story!)

An elderly lady had just been given a new computer by her son, and as she was setting it up she had to phone tech support and get help with learning how to assemble it, operate it, and just about anything else that has to do with a computer. 

After about an hour on the phone the tech support guy had made absolutely no progress with the woman and she remained totally clueless on even the most rudimentary aspects of how to operate her machine. 

Finally the techie said: "Lady, do you still have the box that the computer came in?"

When she replied in the affirmative, she asked whether she had to send it in to get a replacement computer and the guy ,,,,,,,, ACTUALLY THIS WON'T  SOUND AS FUNNY AS THE ORIGINAL STORY, SO I DUG IT UP FOR YA!


This is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. My Brother, (thanks, Marvin) said that this is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recorded monitoring in the customer-care department. Needless to say, the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination Without Cause."
(Click on more o browse 70 topics ranging from exotic kaleidoscope designs to the strange world of l Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (NOW we know why they record these conversations)!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power . . . A power failure? Ah-ha. Right. (long pause) Okay, I think we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


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AND FINALLY:
 
Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, “I don’t like the sound of those drums!” And from across they canyon they hear a voice call out, “HE’S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER!”(HA HA HA HA)