A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law , Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened
Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened?
I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was
coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?
Your daughter, my wife , Mary, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This
is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm
down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something
very odd going on here. Mary would never do such a thing! There must be a
simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what
happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told
you there must be a simple explanation ..... ... She never got your
e-mail!"
-----------------------------------------------------
A late night call to
the Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs, I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
-----------------------------------
Who knew?
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada , Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."
---------------------------------------------
Little Timmy was going on a fishing trip with his father one weekend. All packed up and ready they take off. About an hour after putting in and setting their lines, Little Timmy's father takes out a beer, cracks it open and sets it down hoping that Timmy didn’t notice.
Timmy looks up at his father “Can I have a sip of you beer Dad?”
Timmy's father replies “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole son?”
Timmy frowns and says No.
His father goes “Then you can’t have a sip of my beer”.
An hour or so later Timmy starts to get hungry and he just happened to sneak a candy bar into his pocket before they left. Timmy carefully opens it and takes a bite and tries to hid it. But Timmy's Father noticed and is starting to get a bit hungry too.
“Hey, Timmy do you think I could get a bite of you candy bar?”
Timmy replies “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole?”
“Why Yes Timmy it can.” says the father.
And with out missing it, Timmy proudly states “Then Go Fuck Yourself!”
------------------------------
-------------------------------------
A Misdawiener!
Who knew?
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada , Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."
---------------------------------------------
Little Timmy was going on a fishing trip with his father one weekend. All packed up and ready they take off. About an hour after putting in and setting their lines, Little Timmy's father takes out a beer, cracks it open and sets it down hoping that Timmy didn’t notice.
Timmy looks up at his father “Can I have a sip of you beer Dad?”
Timmy's father replies “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole son?”
Timmy frowns and says No.
His father goes “Then you can’t have a sip of my beer”.
An hour or so later Timmy starts to get hungry and he just happened to sneak a candy bar into his pocket before they left. Timmy carefully opens it and takes a bite and tries to hid it. But Timmy's Father noticed and is starting to get a bit hungry too.
“Hey, Timmy do you think I could get a bite of you candy bar?”
Timmy replies “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole?”
“Why Yes Timmy it can.” says the father.
And with out missing it, Timmy proudly states “Then Go Fuck Yourself!”
------------------------------
This is amazing, well worth a try if you're a resident of Ontario! This
math exercise will only take you about ten seconds. Amazingly, it really
works and will reveal your all-time favorite movie.
DO
NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the
bottom You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is.
1.
Pick a number from 1-9.
2.
Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the
first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in
the list of 17 movies below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Kathleen Wynne Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs.
Doubtfire -------------------------------------
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with...
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with...
A Misdawiener!
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