Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!

(Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Sunday Morning Funnies # 57



A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before........

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New wine for seniors...


A single glass  at night could mean a peaceful,
uninterrupted nights  sleep.   I kid you not..... 
Clare Valley  vintners in  South Australia, which primarily produce  Pinot  Blanc,

Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,  have  developed a new hybrid grape  that 

acts as an anti-diuretic.   It is expected to reduce the number  of trips  older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.   The new  wine will be marketed as .......

           PINO  MORE.

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How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere, then try again from the other side, the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to sit their in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.

            


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Pierre, the French fighter pilot(hold the chuckles, this ain’t the entire joke) and his girlfriend are out on a leisurely picnic enjoying fine Parisian cheeses and wines when caught up in the moment Pierre’s girlfriend murmurs,
“Kiss me Pierre.”
He pulls a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon out of the picnic basket and proceeds to pour it across her face then passionately kiss her.
Pierre, what did you do that for?”
“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with red meat I like red wine.”
Stirred by the intimate turn the picnic is taking, she slips the top of her dress over her shoulders and says in a seductive tone,
“Kiss me lower
Pierre.”
Pierre responds by pulling a moderately aged Pinot Griggio from the picnic basket and pours it across her supple breasts then licking and kissing them clean. Aroused now Pierre’s girlfriend asks once more
Pierre, what did you do that for?”
“I am Pierre the French fighter pilot and with white meat I like white wine.”
Pierre’s girlfriend then removes the rest of her dress and stands before him and gestures none too subtlely at her woman parts
“Kiss me lower
Pierre!”
He responds by pulling a bottle of aged cognac from the basket, pouring it on her crotch and lighting it on fire. Horrified she puts the fire out and screams,
Pierre, what did you do that for?!”
“I am
Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!”  

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A young boy named Timmy lives on a farm. One morning, he gets up and goes downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. His mother stops him in the kitchen and asks if he had done his farmyard chores. “Not yet,” said Timmy. “Well no breakfast until your chores are done” said is mother.
Well, Timmy’s a little pissed because he’s hungry, but goes out and starts his chores. First thing, he goes to feed the chickens, but the chickens are squabbling over the food and flying everywhere, and one poops on his foot. Timmy swiftly proceeds to kick the offending chicken. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”.
This gets Timmy more pissed off, but he holds his tongue. He then sets off to the feed the pigs, but the pigs are also unsettled and splash mud all over Timmy. Timmy promptly reacts by swearing and kicking the nearest pig in the snout. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week.”
Timmy is getting madder, but he doesn’t say a word and silently storms off to the last of his chores, which is to milk the cows. Everything seems to go well until Timmy gets to the last cow, who is being uncooperative. Timmy hits the cow on the rump, and the cow reacts by kicking the pail of milk over. Timmy then kicks the cow in the udder in frustration. Unfortunately, his mother sees this from the kitchen as well, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the cow, so you don’t get any milk for a week”.
By now, Timmy is madder than hell. He’s had a terrible grumpy morning, and as he walks into the kitchen, he is upset that he only has toast and dry cereal without milk for breakfast for the rest of the week. Just as Timmy sits down and starts to eat, his father comes down the stairs and accidentally trips over the cat. His father is also in a bad mood now, and proceeds to kick the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

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An American, an Englishman and a Scot are at a bar. Each of them orders a beer. As the bartender sets their drinks in front of them, three flies buzz in and each of them land in a beer.
The American pushes his drink toward the bartender and says, “There’s a fly in my drink. Pour me another.”
The Englishman picks the fly out, shrugs and takes a drink.
A sudden noise makes them glance over at the Scot, who is holding the fly over his drink and pinching it, saying “Spit it out, ye wee thievin’ bastard!”

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I thought my vasectomy
would keep my wife
from getting pregnant,
but apparently it just
changes the color of the baby.”

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 
"I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.  He won't bother you." 


"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"