Words of Wisdom!
-Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
-With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
-Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
-Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
-When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
-I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
-If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
-Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
-Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
-Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
-I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
-What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…” -Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
-You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?
-Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
-Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
-If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
-The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
-I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
George Washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.
-Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
-Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
-Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
-I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
-You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
-Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
-The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
-Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
-Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
-It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
-By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
-By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old
to play the game.
-Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?-If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
-Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
-I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
-Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
-Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
-We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
-Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
-Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
-Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
-Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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