Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its bum.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie, put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Awe Jock that's nice you are taking me tae the pub with you?"