Sunday Morning Funnies #2231

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays ...but I fish on Fridays.

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On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.  Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven.  While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?  When St Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.  After three weeks, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.  "Yes," he informs the couple,  "I can get you married in Heaven."  "Great!" said the couple,  "But we were just wondering, what if things don't workout?  Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"  "You must be bloody joking!" shouts St Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.  "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.  "OH, COME ON!"  St Peter shouted, "It took me three weeks to find a Priest up here... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?"

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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its bum.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie, put your hat and coat on, lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock that's nice you are taking me tae the pub with you?"
  

"Nay," Jock replied.  "I'm turning the heat off while I'm out."

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Cinderella is now 85 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 

"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything 

for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her 

that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, 

into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath 

as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me!"