We went to
see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it
feels a little roomier.
Just as the
feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and
started working her way out. “Excuse me,
sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time
she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so
I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a
little earlier?”
“No!” she
said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed
up on the screen and
mine is in the car.”
-------------------------------------
(Well I got the blondes mad at me, might as well include everybody! -Ed.)
Seven year old Mohammad entered his
classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the
teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied
the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?",
his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in
Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
Are you trying to dishonor your parents,
your heritage, and your religion?
Are you ashamed of your name?
Shame on you!"
And then his mother beat the shit out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?",
she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an
Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims."
--------------------------------
One Monday morning the Postman is riding through
the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming
out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some
weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a
hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed
that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came
up seven times!
-----------------------------------
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by
the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give
your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the
rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest"
meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage"
meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what
"solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please"
meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the
world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Great Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard
the Indian accent.
------------------------------------------
AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF EAST INDIANS!
He tells the Loan Officer that he was going to India for some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The Loan Officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. So the Indian man hands over the keys and the documents of the new Ferrari car parked on the street in front of the bank.
The loan officer consults the president of the bank,
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a security for the loan.
The bank president and the Loan Officer had a good laugh at the Indian for keeping a $750,000 Ferrari as a security and taking only $5,000 has a loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari Into the banks underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later the Indian returns and pays $5000 and the interest which comes to it $15.41.
Seeing this, loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you are away, we checked you out and found out that you were a multi millionaire.
What puzzled us was why would you bother to borrow $5000?”
The Indian replies "Where else in the New York City can I park my
car for 2 weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return".
(This is a true incident and the Indian is none other than... "VIJAY MALLYA")
-----------------------------
AND FINALLY:
Queen
Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel
to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The
Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly
takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts
God ever created, And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every
day, for eternity.'
The
Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a
bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
Then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The
Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is
outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own
perfect creations and you turn me down.
She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would
you explain that to me?'
'Sorry,
Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, "A Royal
Flush" beats a
Pair - No Matter How Big!
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