Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Sunday Morning Funnies # 99



We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. 

                                                                                                 

Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” 


By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” 


“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

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(Well I got the blondes mad at me, might as well include everybody!  -Ed.)

Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, and your religion?
Are you ashamed of your name?
Shame on you!"
And then his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. 
The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims."

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One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
   
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
   
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
   
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. 

Then the women try to guess who it is.'
   
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
   
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times!

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Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
 

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF EAST INDIANS!

An Indian man walks into the New York City bank and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the Loan Officer that he was going to India for some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The Loan Officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. So the Indian man hands over the keys and the documents of the new Ferrari car parked on the street in front of the bank.
The loan officer consults the president of the bank,
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a security for the loan.
The bank president and the Loan Officer had a good laugh at the Indian for keeping a $750,000 Ferrari as a security and taking only $5,000 has a loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari Into the banks underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later the Indian returns and pays $5000 and the interest which comes to it $15.41.
Seeing this, loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you are away, we checked you out and found out that you were a multi millionaire.
What puzzled us was why would you bother to borrow $5000?”
The Indian replies "Where else in the New York City can I park my
car for 2 weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return".
(This is a true incident and the Indian is none other than... "VIJAY MALLYA")


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AND FINALLY:


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. 

Then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

 Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. 

She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, "A Royal Flush" beats a Pair - No Matter How Big!