Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Sunday Morning Funnies # 65 2/3


Irish Sawmill Accident

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

------------------------------------
  
First it was the Apple,      

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of
them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we
are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
 
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must
be a sign from God!"
 
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old
scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage
delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the
bottle to the man.
 
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half
the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman
took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed
it back to the man.
 
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
 
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 
Adam ate the apple, too!   Men will never learn!
 -------------------------------------------
Subject: Fw: Registration on the first day back at school in Leicester
Registration on the first day back at school in Leicester –

Mustafa Al Sheriah
"here"
Ahmed El Sheriah
“here”
Fatima El Bindiri
“here"
Ali Acmah Shabeeb
“here”
Ali Sun Al En
No answer
Ali Sun Al En

Little girl at the back stands up and says
“it’s pronounced Alison Allen for fuck sake”
 -------------------------------------------------

 
Peeing on the flowers…

A  little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage  bags behind her. 

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.

Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well,  now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? 
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf  course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' 

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,

'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes "

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing "OK. Good luck! 

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

She says........."Not everybody pays."

-----------------------------------------

A man and his wife go to the doctor together. The doctor took the
husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed, but told the doctor he had trouble
getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doctor checked the man’s blood pressure and other things, then
said he was now going to check the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.  Then he told
her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.  He then told her to turn all the way around in
the other direction.

Then he said: "Ok, good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to
your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband,
"Well, you can relax, I am happy to tell you that there is nothing
wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either."