Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around! ("If it is true that humans share 44% of their DNA with bananas, then how, when, and why did it become so much more difficult to drive a stick-shift? Answer me that , eh!")

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Sunday Morning Funnies #65

Dear Friends:



A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
 He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
 First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned!
 "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
 "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
 As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
 He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
 Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
 He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

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-If I had a Toonie for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. 

-I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Take my advice — I'm not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two blokes managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most men are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. 
- Since tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.