Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! (Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!)

My wife is right, I am anal retentive...., so now I keep a can of WD-40 next to the toilet! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Sunday Morning Funnies # 772

Dear Friends:



A darn good Golfing Story 

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

 
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. 

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' 

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'

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THE END IS NEAR

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland & Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church just across the road.

Yesterday they were seen erecting a sign which says "THE END IS NEAR…. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE." 

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures.

From around the next curve, just beyond the newly erected sign, they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin’."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

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Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
 
I thought for a few seconds and asked,"What kind of beer you got?"

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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The strongest muscle in proportion to its size in the human body is the tongue.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it!

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Dogs have four toes on their hind feet, and five on their front feet.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.

Starfish don't have brains.

Polar bears are left handed.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating

Porcupines float in water.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into to shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.