Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective! (Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bobble-head on the highway of life!)

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around!

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Canada Day Sunday Morning Funnies



This is still Canada day weekend so here goes:

After all the blond girl jokes over the years, I am happy to send you these!

  A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
 
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND "
 
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
 
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
 
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A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
 
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
 
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
 
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
 
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
 
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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
 
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
 
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
 
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
 
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
 

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
 

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!  

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SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF???
1. Smarties.
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp.
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down.
4. Baseball is Canadian.
5. Lacrosse is Canadian.
6. Hockey is Canadian.
7. Basketball is Canadian.
8. Apple pie is Canadian.
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass.
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass.
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure..
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing...but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisments kick ass.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!
...oh yeah...and our elections only take one day.

I am a Canadian.........
Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader....
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled....
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed' !!!!
Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America
My name is Squiffs!!
And I am Canadian!!!
Canadian Living Eh!
TOP REASONS
Canadian Living Eh!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead ofthe approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.