Sunday Morning Funnies # 82

 A physicist, a poet and a politician are sentenced to death by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The poet is picked first. He stands by as the blade is raised, then he is asked, “Would you rather be face up or face down?” “Down,” he says. They place him in the guillotine, the blade is raised, there is a drum roll, and the executioner pulls the cord releasing the blade… and it hangs up halfway down!

Now, there was (in this story) a rule against “double jeopardy”, so the poet goes free and runs off into the crowd rejoicing.

The politician goes next, after the guillotine is checked out thoroughly, the track greased and tested on a melon. Same story. He also goes free.

Now it’s the physicist’s turn. The engineers take the guillotine apart and replace all the worn components, test it three times and finally ask the physicist if he wants to be face up or face down. “Up, please. I like to see what’s ahead!” says the physicist.

The blade is hoisted, there’s a drum roll, and just as the executioner gets ready to pull the cord, the physicist points up at the guillotine and shouts, “Wait! I think I see your problem!”

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81. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
139. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
140. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
141. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
142. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
143. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
144. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
145. Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
146. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
147. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
148. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
149. Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.
150. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

151. Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

152. Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
153. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
154. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
155. Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
156. Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
157. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
158. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
159. I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
160. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
161. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
162. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
163. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
164. There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.
165. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
166. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

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