Allan's Perspective is not recommended for the politically correct, or the overly religious! Some people have opinions, and some have convictions ..., what we offer is Perspective!

Consciousness is not a phenomenon of the observable universe. It is that which makes the universe observable. Consciousness is the manifestation of God within us!

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Sunday Morning Funnies #222

Dear Friends: The pastor and wife were expecting their first baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers"

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

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1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,  but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,  but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician,but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.. 
13. After many years of trying to find steady work,  I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

“God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dar

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.