Sunday Morning Religious Funnies!

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

 

The drunk muttered in response,  'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
  
I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer !

**

SKIPPING CHURCH
 

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
 

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

**

 Old Goat Quiz

Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.  Which of the following names are you familiar with? 

1. Monica Lewinsky 

2. Spiro Agnew

3. Benito Mussolini

4. Adolf Hitler

5. Jorge Bergoglio

6. Alfonse Capone

7. Vladimir Putin

8. Linda Lovelace

9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn't you? 

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?? 

Lovely, just lovely ... Sometimes I worry about you ...

The way I see it anyway!