Sunday Morning Funnies! Apology to Americans. | BlogsCanada.ca

 

Dear Readers;

On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it’s not like you actually elected him.
I’m sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn’t give us the right to sell you lumber that’s cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you have 10 times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you would never do that.
I’m sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As a way of our apology, please accept all of our Canadian NHL teams, which one by one are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I’m sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different: Everyone knew he had weapons.
I’m sorry we burnt down your White-House during the war of 1812. I see you’ve rebuilt it! It’s very nice.
I’m sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Lover Boy, the song from Sheriff that ends with the high pitched end note, your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this, because, we’ve seen what you do to countries with whom you get upset with.

I’m Canadian. And I’m sorry.

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A Jewish person, an American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive….as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.
Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St. Peter gestured to the American and said, “If you give me fifty dollars I’ll send you back….you are too young to be up here so soon.”
The American whipped out fifty bucks and….poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?
He said that all he knew is that the three of them were “up there” with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back….he paid it and….poof! Here he was!
The doctors couldn’t help but be amazed and asked him, “You say those other two were up there with you?” (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The American said “Yes they were.”
The doctors then asked him, “Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?”
The American said, “Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the Jew was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!”

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CANADIANS IN HELL
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?”
Again the two guys reply, “Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves.”
The two Canadians reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice.”
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???”
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, “Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup.”

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As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless Canada!

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The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was “Cold North Dominion,” but that waas too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King’s Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn’t say a word. Just looked at him.
“Well, what do you think?” asked the Royal Governor?
“C., eh?” said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.
“N., eh?” says the second guy.
“D., eh?” says a third one. Then silence.
“Hey,” says the Governor. “I like that. It’s a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way.”
So that’s how Canada got its name.
The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was “Cold North Dominion,” but that waas too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King’s Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn’t say a word. Just looked at him.
“Well, what do you think?” asked the Royal Governor?
“C., eh?” said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.
“N., eh?” says the second guy.
“D., eh?” says a third one. Then silence.
“Hey,” says the Governor. “I like that. It’s a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way.”
So that’s how Canada got its name.

Sunday Morning Funnies! Apology to Americans. | BlogsCanada.ca