Sunday Religious News!

 

KABUL, Afghanistan — Conservative religious lawmakers in Afghanistan blocked legislation on Saturday aimed at strengthening provisions for women’s freedoms, arguing that parts of it violate Islamic principles and encourage disobedience.

The fierce opposition highlights how tenuous women’s rights remain a dozen years after the ouster of the hard-line Taliban regime, whose strict interpretation of Islam once kept Afghan women virtual prisoners in their homes.
Khalil Ahmad Shaheedzada, a conservative lawmaker for Herat province, said the legislation was withdrawn shortly after being introduced in parliament because of an uproar by religious parties who said parts of the law are un-Islamic.
“Whatever is against Islamic law, we don’t even need to speak about it,” Shaheedzada said.
The Law on Elimination of Violence Against Women has been in effect since 2009, but only by presidential decree. It is being brought before parliament now because lawmaker Fawzia Kofi, a women’s rights activist, wants to cement it with a parliamentary vote to prevent its potential reversal by any future president who might be tempted to repeal it to satisfy hard-line religious parties.
The law criminalizes, among other things, child marriage and forced marriage, and bans “baad,” the traditional practice of exchanging girls and women to settle disputes. It makes domestic violence a crime punishable by up to three years in prison and specifies that rape victims should not face criminal charges for fornication or adultery.
http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/05/18/bid-to-protect-womens-rights-is-against-islamic-law-afghan-lawmakers-argue-in-blocking-legislation/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+NP_Top_Stories+%28National+Post+-+Top+Stories%29&utm_content=My+Yahoo
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End is near for false prophet’s radio network

Remember radio preacher and doomsday prophet Harold Camping?

His end of the world predictions set for May 21, 2011 and later October 21, 2011 (as well as a series of earlier dates) all fizzled out, but not before countless of his gullible followers sold or gave away everything they owned.

Camping, whose un-biblical theology marks him as a heretic of Christianity, was able to preach his message throughout the world via his non-profit Family Radio Network.¹

Two years later public financial documents and current and former high-level Family Radio employees indicate the broadcasting network may soon be out of business.

The Contra Costa Times enumerates the financial indicators, and says

Former and current insiders allege the situation may be even worse than it appears, claiming donations have dropped almost 70 percent since the Rapture prediction proved incorrect, leading to numerous layoffs of longtime Family Radio staff members.
Those insiders say the nonprofit mishandled the sales of the stations, reaping far less than they were worth, and is on the hook for millions of dollars to devotees who have loaned them money over the years.
Since the failed prediction, at least two letters have been sent to the California Attorney General’s Office requesting an investigation into the station sales and Family Radio’s handling of donations. The office does not confirm or deny investigations.

The paper quotes Matt Tuter — Camping’s longtime right-hand man, who was fired last year — as saying, “You eliminate those three (FM stations) and, ultimately, the rest of it dies. I believe they are killing it off.”
Not everyone believes the network is headed for its demise. The paper quotes a current board member who claims that, like everyone else, the stations are hurting in the slow-to-rebound economy.
Despite its owners’ record of false teachings and false prophecies the network also still has its devoted listeners who, the paper says, “hope Family Radio will return to its pre-Rapture roots as a more mainstream religious radio network.”
http://www.religionnewsblog.com/
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Mayoral candidate ‘endorsed by Jesus Christ’
North Miami voters go to the polls today to elect a mayor. And according to one candidate, the outcome should be clear.

Anna Pierre claims to be endorsed by Jesus Christ

Anna Pierre, who previously said someone is using voodoo to keep her out of the mayoral race, has posted a campaign-style flier on her Facebook page in which she claims she is “endorsed by Jesus Christ.”The Miami Herald says

Pierre, a registered nurse who sings the Creole language hit Suk Su Bon Bon (“Sugar on my Cookie”), said Jesus reassured her that she can overcome all obstacles placed in her way.²

Do Poor Career Prospects Radicalize Imams?

In his dissertation Clerics of the Jihad, Rich Nielsen, a doctoral student at Harvard University, concludes that Muslim preachers with poor networks are much more likely to preach extremism.

The Chronicle of Higher Education quotes him as saying

“Jihadi ideology is often perceived to be the result of immutable, irreconcilable conflicts between fundamentalist Islamism and Western society,” he writes. “But my findings suggest that this interpretation, while rhetorically convenient for actors on both sides, is mostly false.”

Though terrorism experts are said to doubt his conclusions, policy makers and other political scientists are paying attention.
If clerics are indeed swayed by professional incentives, the publication notes, governments might find employment opportunities more effective than prison in their efforts to combat radicalism among Muslim clergy.
Harsh Sentence a Warning to Australia’s Youthful Muslim Zealots
Speaking of ‘radicalism,’ Muslims in Australia will have to take note of the fact that criminal behavior is not tolerated in that country.

TIME magazine says

Part of the worldwide protests that followed the publishing last September on YouTube of anti-Islam film Innocence of Muslims, the Sept. 15 riot turned Sydney’s central business district into a war zone where Muslim protesters attacked police, destroyed public property and carried placards reading “Behead all those who insult the Prophet.”

Freedom of speech is one thing, but this kind of religious insanity should not be tolerated anywhere in the world. Muslims who behave this way have turned their religion into a hate group that makes a joke of the claims that Islam is a religion of peace.³

TIME reports that a 26-year-old Australian man, plumber Mahmoud Eid, became the first of 12 defendants to be jailed over the affray.

On handing Eid the maximum sentence for kicking a police dog and pushing a female police officer, New South Wales deputy chief magistrate Jane Culver said she would have locked him up for longer if the law allowed it.

The hate criminal was sentenced to four years and one month in prison.
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Jediism losing followers
The Force is waning in Canada. New census data released by Statistics Canada shows people identifying themselves as Jedi in the 2011 National Household Survey dwindled from a peak in 2001 of more than 20,000 to a about 9,000 — a figure too small to be statistically relevant.

Also inside: Religion in the Canadian Census; Scientology; Narconon; Santa Muerte; and the Twelve Tribes. In other Religion Briefs: David Bowie; French report on sects; FLDS; Paganism; and Christian hypocrisy…

The Jedi religion started as a joke between friends, but real-life Jedis are serious about their faith explains Maha Vajra, the self-described Grand Master of the Canadian Order of the Jedi in a recent interview.

They see the Star Wars films as inspirational and fantasy parables, in much the same way other religions use fantastic stories to glean morals, Canadian Press writes.

Jediism is the study of the philosophies largely borrowed from Buddhism and Daoism in the Star Wars film series, Vajra said in an interview from St-Raymond, Que.
“What we do is what the masters of Jediism in the movies explain: self-mastery, responsibility, practising virtues like compassion, charity, (and) forgiveness, in everyday actions. This is what Jediism is.”

The religion has followers in other countries as well, where numbers also fluctuate.

Census takers have not always been pleased with Jedi-related pranks. In Australia, Star Wars fans circulated an e-mail saying the government would be forced to recognize Jedi as an official religion if at least 10,000 people named it on the census.

When made aware of the campaign, the statistics agency announced that respondents faced a fine of AUS $1,000 ($540) if they were found to have given false information.

Still, some 70,000 Australians declared themselves to be Jedis, and it appears none of the were fined.
By the way, among the oddest Jedi-related news stories archived at Religion News Blog are these ones from England:

Man dressed as Darth Vader spared jail for attack on founder of Jedi church
Jedi church founder thrown out of Tesco for refusing to remove his hood

Oh, by way of consolation: Jedis still outnumber Satanists (1,050), and Scientologists (1,745).

Jediism has no founder, no official structure, and no official doctrine.

Sunday Morning Funnies!

                   

   

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….
I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and
‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!
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> No matter what side of the political fence you’re on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY
> telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.
>
> Remus Rudd
> Judy Harper, an amateur genealogy researcher in Northern Ontario, was doing
> some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime
> Minister Stephen Harper’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for
> horse stealing and train robbery in Winnipeg in 1889. Both Judy and Stephen
> Harper share this common ancestor.
>
> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the
> Manitoba Provincial Jail. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during
> her research is this inscription:
>
> Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Stoney Mountain Jail 1885, escaped 1887,
> robbed the CP AND CN trains six times.
>
> Caught by Mounted Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.
>
> So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Harper for information about their
> great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.
>
> Believe it or not, Harper’s staff sent back the following biographical
> sketch for her genealogy research:
>
> Remus Rudd was famous in Ontario during the mid to late 1800s. His business
> empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
> intimate dealings with the CP and CN Railways.
>
> Beginning in mid 1880s, he devoted several years of his life to government
> service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroads.
>
> In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Mounted
> Police Force.
>
> In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his
> honour, when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.
>
> NOW That’s how it’s done, Folks! Now that’s a real POLITICAL SPIN!

> Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. > Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.. > > In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase > a bull so that they can breed their own stock. > > Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide > to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’ > > The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she > wants to buy it. > > The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. > > After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a > telegram to tell her the news.. > > She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to > my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. > > I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we > can haul it home.’ > > The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, > it will cost 99 cents a word. > > Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be > able to send her sister one word. > > After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her > the word ‘comfortable.’ > > The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want > her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul > that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’ > > The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big. > > She’ll read it very slowly… ‘com-for-da-bul.’ >

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so,
the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his
blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of  Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous
again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only

gave me a thank-you card and a box of  Quality Street .” To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.

HARRISON BERGERON by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Dear Readers:

I said in the last article that we were going to show you how things will be when we are all finally equal …………………….., and here it is, thanks to Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (He shall be missed!)
THE YEAR WAS 2081, and everybody was finally equal. They weren’t only equal before God and the law. They were equal every which way. Nobody was smarter than anybody else. Nobody was better looking than anybody else. Nobody was stronger or quicker than anybody else. All this equality was due to the 211th, 212th, and 213th Amendments to the Constitution, and to the unceasing vigilance of agents of the United States Handicapper General.
Some things about living still weren’t quite right, though. April for instance, still drove people crazy by not being springtime. And it was in that clammy month that the H-G men took George and Hazel Bergeron’s fourteen-year-old son, Harrison, away.
It was tragic, all right, but George and Hazel couldn’t think about it very hard. Hazel had a perfectly average intelligence, which meant she couldn’t think about anything except in short bursts. And George, while his intelligence was way above normal, had a little mental handicap radio in his ear. He was required by law to wear it at all times. It was tuned to a government transmitter. Every twenty seconds or so, the transmitter would send out some sharp noise to keep people like George from taking unfair advantage of their brains.
George and Hazel were watching television. There were tears on Hazel’s cheeks, but she’d forgotten for the moment what they were about.
On the television screen were ballerinas.
A buzzer sounded in George’s head. His thoughts fled in panic, like bandits from a burglar alarm.
“That was a real pretty dance, that dance they just did,” said Hazel.
“Huh” said George.
“That dance-it was nice,” said Hazel.
“Yup,” said George. He tried to think a little about the ballerinas. They weren’t really very good-no better than anybody else would have been, anyway. They were burdened with sashweights and bags of birdshot, and their faces were masked, so that no one, seeing a free and graceful gesture or a pretty face, would feel like something the cat drug in. George was toying with the vague notion that maybe dancers shouldn’t be handicapped. But he didn’t get very far with it before another noise in his ear radio scattered his thoughts.
George winced. So did two out of the eight ballerinas.
Hazel saw him wince. Having no mental handicap herself, she had to ask George what the latest sound had been.
“Sounded like somebody hitting a milk bottle with a ball peen hammer,” said George.
“I’d think it would be real interesting, hearing all the different sounds,” said Hazel a little envious. “All the things they think up.”
“Um,” said George.
“Only, if I was Handicapper General, you know what I would do?” said Hazel. Hazel, as a matter of fact, bore a strong resemblance to the Handicapper General, a woman named Diana Moon Glampers. “If I was Diana Moon Glampers,” said Hazel, “I’d have chimes on Sunday-just chimes. Kind of in honor of religion.”
“I could think, if it was just chimes,” said George.
“Well-maybe make ‘em real loud,” said Hazel. “I think I’d make a good Handicapper General.”
“Good as anybody else,” said George.
“Who knows better then I do what normal is?” said Hazel.
“Right,” said George. He began to think glimmeringly about his abnormal son who was now in jail, about Harrison, but a twenty-one-gun salute in his head stopped that.
“Boy!” said Hazel, “that was a doozy, wasn’t it?”
It was such a doozy that George was white and trembling, and tears stood on the rims of his red eyes. Two of of the eight ballerinas had collapsed to the studio floor, were holding their temples.
“All of a sudden you look so tired,” said Hazel. “Why don’t you stretch out on the sofa, so’s you can rest your handicap bag on the pillows, honeybunch.” She was referring to the forty-seven pounds of birdshot in a canvas bag, which was padlocked around George’s neck. “Go on and rest the bag for a little while,” she said. “I don’t care if you’re not equal to me for a while.”
George weighed the bag with his hands. “I don’t mind it,” he said. “I don’t notice it any more. It’s just a part of me.”
“You been so tired lately-kind of wore out,” said Hazel. “If there was just some way we could make a little hole in the bottom of the bag, and just take out a few of them lead balls. Just a few.”
“Two years in prison and two thousand dollars fine for every ball I took out,” said George. “I don’t call that a bargain.”
“If you could just take a few out when you came home from work,” said Hazel. “I mean-you don’t compete with anybody around here. You just set around.”
“If I tried to get away with it,” said George, “then other people’d get away with it-and pretty soon we’d be right back to the dark ages again, with everybody competing against everybody else. You wouldn’t like that, would you?”
“I’d hate it,” said Hazel.
“There you are,” said George. The minute people start cheating on laws, what do you think happens to society?”
If Hazel hadn’t been able to come up with an answer to this question, George couldn’t have supplied one. A siren was going off in his head.
“Reckon it’d fall all apart,” said Hazel.
“What would?” said George blankly.
“Society,” said Hazel uncertainly. “Wasn’t that what you just said?
“Who knows?” said George.
The television program was suddenly interrupted for a news bulletin. It wasn’t clear at first as to what the bulletin was about, since the announcer, like all announcers, had a serious speech impediment. For about half a minute, and in a state of high excitement, the announcer tried to say, “Ladies and Gentlemen.”
He finally gave up, handed the bulletin to a ballerina to read.
“That’s all right-” Hazel said of the announcer, “he tried. That’s the big thing. He tried to do the best he could with what God gave him. He should get a nice raise for trying so hard.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” said the ballerina, reading the bulletin. She must have been extraordinarily beautiful, because the mask she wore was hideous. And it was easy to see that she was the strongest and most graceful of all the dancers, for her handicap bags were as big as those worn by two-hundred pound men.
And she had to apologize at once for her voice, which was a very unfair voice for a woman to use. Her voice was a warm, luminous, timeless melody. “Excuse me-” she said, and she began again, making her voice absolutely uncompetitive.
“Harrison Bergeron, age fourteen,” she said in a grackle squawk, “has just escaped from jail, where he was held on suspicion of plotting to overthrow the government. He is a genius and an athlete, is under-handicapped, and should be regarded as extremely dangerous.”
A police photograph of Harrison Bergeron was flashed on the screen-upside down, then sideways, upside down again, then right side up. The picture showed the full length of Harrison against a background calibrated in feet and inches. He was exactly seven feet tall.
The rest of Harrison’s appearance was Halloween and hardware. Nobody had ever born heavier handicaps. He had outgrown hindrances faster than the H-G men could think them up. Instead of a little ear radio for a mental handicap, he wore a tremendous pair of earphones, and spectacles with thick wavy lenses. The spectacles were intended to make him not only half blind, but to give him whanging headaches besides.
Scrap metal was hung all over him. Ordinarily, there was a certain symmetry, a military neatness to the handicaps issued to strong people, but Harrison looked like a walking junkyard. In the race of life, Harrison carried three hundred pounds.
And to offset his good looks, the H-G men required that he wear at all times a red rubber ball for a nose, keep his eyebrows shaved off, and cover his even white teeth with black caps at snaggle-tooth random.
“If you see this boy,” said the ballerina, “do not – I repeat, do not – try to reason with him.”
There was the shriek of a door being torn from its hinges.
Screams and barking cries of consternation came from the television set. The photograph of Harrison Bergeron on the screen jumped again and again, as though dancing to the tune of an earthquake.
George Bergeron correctly identified the earthquake, and well he might have – for many was the time his own home had danced to the same crashing tune. “My God-” said George, “that must be Harrison!”
The realization was blasted from his mind instantly by the sound of an automobile collision in his head.
When George could open his eyes again, the photograph of Harrison was gone. A living, breathing Harrison filled the screen.
Clanking, clownish, and huge, Harrison stood – in the center of the studio. The knob of the uprooted studio door was still in his hand. Ballerinas, technicians, musicians, and announcers cowered on their knees before him, expecting to die.
“I am the Emperor!” cried Harrison. “Do you hear? I am the Emperor! Everybody must do what I say at once!” He stamped his foot and the studio shook.
“Even as I stand here” he bellowed, “crippled, hobbled, sickened – I am a greater ruler than any man who ever lived! Now watch me become what I can become!”
Harrison tore the straps of his handicap harness like wet tissue paper, tore straps guaranteed to support five thousand pounds.
Harrison’s scrap-iron handicaps crashed to the floor.
Harrison thrust his thumbs under the bar of the padlock that secured his head
harness. The bar snapped like celery. Harrison smashed his headphones and
spectacles against the wall.
He flung away his rubber-ball nose, revealed a man that would have awed Thor, the god of thunder.
“I shall now select my Empress!” he said, looking down on the cowering people. “Let
the first woman who dares rise to her feet claim her mate and her throne!”
A moment passed, and then a ballerina arose, swaying like a willow.
Harrison plucked the mental handicap from her ear, snapped off her physical handicaps with marvelous delicacy. Last of all he removed her mask.
She was blindingly beautiful.
“Now-” said Harrison, taking her hand, “shall we show the people the meaning of the word dance? Music!” he commanded.
The musicians scrambled back into their chairs, and Harrison stripped them of their handicaps, too. “Play your best,” he told them, “and I’ll make you barons and dukes and earls.”
The music began. It was normal at first-cheap, silly, false. But Harrison snatched two musicians from their chairs, waved them like batons as he sang the music as he wanted it played. He slammed them back into their chairs.
The music began again and was much improved.
Harrison and his Empress merely listened to the music for a while-listened gravely, as though synchronizing their heartbeats with it.
They shifted their weights to their toes.
Harrison placed his big hands on the girls tiny waist, letting her sense the weightlessness that would soon be hers.
And then, in an explosion of joy and grace, into the air they sprang!
Not only were the laws of the land abandoned, but the law of gravity and the laws of motion as well.
They reeled, whirled, swiveled, flounced, capered, gamboled, and spun.
They leaped like deer on the moon.
The studio ceiling was thirty feet high, but each leap brought the dancers nearer to it.
It became their obvious intention to kiss the ceiling. They kissed it.
And then, neutraling gravity with love and pure will, they remained suspended in air inches below the ceiling, and they kissed each other for a long, long time.
It was then that Diana Moon Glampers, the Handicapper General, came into the studio with a double-barreled ten-gauge shotgun. She fired twice, and the Emperor and the Empress were dead before they hit the floor.
Diana Moon Glampers loaded the gun again. She aimed it at the musicians and told them they had ten seconds to get their handicaps back on.
It was then that the Bergerons’ television tube burned out.
Hazel turned to comment about the blackout to George. But George had gone out into the kitchen for a can of beer.
George came back in with the beer, paused while a handicap signal shook him up. And then he sat down again. “You been crying” he said to Hazel.
“Yup,” she said.
“What about?” he said.
“I forget,” she said. “Something real sad on television.”
“What was it?” he said.
“It’s all kind of mixed up in my mind,” said Hazel.
“Forget sad things,” said George.
“I always do,” said Hazel.
“That’s my girl,” said George. He winced. There was the sound of a rivetting gun in his head.
“Gee – I could tell that one was a doozy,” said Hazel.
“You can say that again,” said George.
“Gee-” said Hazel, “I could tell that one was a doozy.”
fini

Saturday Morning Confusion!

                   

Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries issued an official statement yesterday in light of the recent backlash surrounding comments he made back in 2006 about his brand’s target audience — but the apology isn’t getting much love from angry customers.

Jeffries goes on to call the brand an “aspirational” one that “targets its marketing at a particular segment of customers.”
“We are completely opposed to any discrimination, bullying, derogatory characterizations or other anti-social behavior based on race, gender, body type or other individual characteristics,” he concluded.
Earlier this week, quotes from a 2006 Salon interview revealed that Jeffries had once admitted that he only wanted the “cool and popular kids” to shop at his stores.
“We go after the cool kids,” he was quoted as saying, in reference to his company’s target demographic. “A lot of people don’t belong, and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”
Listen boys and girls, if this was any other time except this bullshit P.C. era his comments would have made a perfect marketing campaign.
Not only do ya get all the cool kids, but all the kids that want to be cool as well.
Score another point for the far left!
————————————–
Dear Readers:

You can call me a sexist pig, a dirty old man, or anything else you want, but I’m telling ya straight, this was a doctors idea, and I’m just reporting it!
Doctor prescribes two blowjobs a week to help woman with her gag reflex!
A surgeon has been reprimanded by a medical board for suggesting a patient try oral sex to improve her gag reflex.
The unnamed patient was hesitant to undergo an upper-gastrointestinal endoscopy. The procedure would require a scope going from someone’s mouth into their intestinal tract. She told  Dr. J. Peter Zegarra that she “even gags at the dentist” and didn’t want the procedure.
That’s when the doctor suggested in front of her husband, “She should be practicing twice a week on her husband by giving him (oral sex) to address her gagging reflex.” “This constituted unprofessional conduct, and so this is a message that this probably wasn’t appropriate,” said Cassandra Hockenson, of the Medical Board. “A more appropriate response should have come with regards to dealing with her gag reflex issues.”

Even if it was a playful suggestion, the medical board says that’s no defense ………………, but it does prove that the board has no sense of humour!

http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2013/05/17/sacramento-doctor-reprimanded-for-suggesting-oral-sex-to-patient/
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Went to see Star Trek as soon as it opened yesterday.
It’s a really good film and The Mrs. Herself and I thoroughly enjoyed it, but give me a break kids ……………………..!
Reviews we read today talk about it’s social relevance, morality in the far future, the use of metaphor in developing a concept and all sorts of other bullshit, when it’s just a damn good movie!
After all people, this is ‘Star Wars’ we are talking about, not ‘Gone with the wind’ or ‘Citizen Kane!’
—————————————————-

Iowa Farms Can’t Seem to Keep Their Pig Shit from Exploding

Andrew Tarantola PFollowOUnfollow5/17/13 11:00pm Yesterday 11:00pmg 7,815L 16Edit

Pig farming is tough, foul-smelling, and dirty work. Turns out, that’s the good part of it. See, since 2009 the American hog farming industry has been struck with an explosive pork poop problem—in that the decomposing porcine waste will go boom under the right conditions.

Since the phenomenon was first described four years ago, a half dozen such explosions have occurred throughout Iowa and Minnesota, stumping scientists as to the cause. The largest explosion killed all 1,500 hogs at the site and seriously burned a farm hand. Another lifted a barn “a couple of feet off the ground,” according to University of Minnesota researcher David Schmidt.

Methane is a normal byproduct of pig, cow, and sheep waste and, in well-ventilated areas poses no combustion threat so long as it doesn’t exceed a concentration of 20 percent. But for some as-of-yet uncovered reason, the shit pits utilized in industrial hog farming operations—subterranean holes located under the pens and covered by slotted planks that allow poo to fall through, collect, and decompose—have begun developing a thick matte covering of bacterial foam, the consistency of whipped egg whites.

This layer of foam can grow to four feet thick, covering a highly-volatile layer of 60-70 percent concentrate methane gas beneath it. If the foam is agitated, it suddenly releases the combustible gas and, in the presence of an energy source—a heater or lit cigarette—the gas will ignite with terrible results. Researchers suspect it may be bacterial based as the phenomenon grows quickly once established and could be instigated due to dietary or environmental changes. But until then, you’re going to want to refrain from smoking in the hog barn. [Mother Jones, Iowa Pork via TreeHugger]

http://gizmodo.com/iowa-farms-cant-seem-to-keep-their-pig-shit-from-explo-508288285

(Aren’t ya glad you read this blog?)

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If anybody give a shit, Bill Gates is once again the world’s richest person!

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We saw this headline today!

A Saudi woman has made history by reaching the summit of the world’s highest mountain.

This proves once again that there are no limits a woman in Saudi Arabia will go to in order to get away from that misogynistic,  repressive society!

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AND GET A LOAD OF THIS:

Men who are physically strong are more likely to take a right wing political stance, while weaker men are inclined to support the welfare state, according to a new study.
Researchers discovered political motivations may have evolutionary links to physical strength.
Men’s upper-body strength predicts their political opinions on economic redistribution, according to the research.
(Or not!)

Rob Ford is in the clear!

Well folks, as usual, the Perspective Research Department, and the Naked News staff, have done a little digging, and we got to the bottom of all this Rob Ford and crack cocaine stuff.
YES, it appears that Rob Ford did smoke some crack cocaine, just like it showed in the video, but apparently it was all on doctors orders, according to the Mayor!
Mr Ford said that his physician was getting really worried about the extra weight he is carrying around, and suggested he do one of three things. He could either get his stomach stapled, smoke crack, or do some speed. 
Not wanting to undergo surgery, he naturally chose the chemical way to loose weight.  The mayor said he didn't know any people who used speed, but had lots of friends who did cocaine, so the decision wasn't all that hard!
The only problem now is that nobody wants to be around him anymore since he won't shut-up!

Trouble in Oompa Loompa land

Dear Readers:
The Perspective Research Department, and the Naked News staff, have received information that there is unrest amongst the Oompa Loompa population, and that serious civil turmoil is possible.
Your humble reporter does not personally believe there is any imminent threat, and this story would not normally make the news at all ............, except I really like saying OOMPA LOOMPA!
Your 'ever vigilant' scribe:
Allan W Janssen

Is it Friday yet?

Folks, this is going to be one of the biggest stories of the last few weeks, or one of the biggest bullshit stories of the year!
Rob Ford caught on tape smoking crack?
BlogTO says Gawker Blog gawked at it, so unless THEY were smoking crack ................, this could get interesting!
(Our Perspective Research Department, and the Naked News staff, have learned that the owners of the video have already turned down $40,000- for the tape, but this is all unconfirmed!)

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The headline said: "Space Boobs!" so naturally your ever curious reporter had to have a look!
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered it was all about bloopers, not boobs.
I wish those S.O.B.'s would be more careful about what they say, and how they say it!

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A whole bunch of Grade 5 students started a campaign to tell Harper to stop being mean to Justin Trudeau. Harper threatened to boil them in oil!

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German officials say Justin Bieber will have to pay the bill for his monkey's two-month stay at a Munich animal shelter.  A spokesman for Munich's customs office says the cost of care, food and vet visits for capuchin monkey Mally is several thousand dollars.

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Seems the LCBO strike has been cancelled, and so has the T.O. Casino!

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This guy I know in Toronto is what some call a "little person," but I just call a "midget!"
Since he is getting into middle age like the rest of us I was told that he tried Viagra last weekend when he went out on a hot date!
Poor little bastard kept getting these huge erections which then drained blood from his brain and caused him to pass out ...................! He never did get laid!

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It happened once in Canada years ago, and now Venezuela has a potential poop-storm on its hands if it can't wipe out a toilet paper shortage. Officials said they will have to import 50 million rolls to meet the demand of what Trade Minister Alejandro Fleming called a "nervous population," according to a translation of an article from the state-run AVN news agency. The government blames the media for provoking fears about scarcity, which prompted consumers to hoard TP.  But, businesses and political opposition blame the government's policies, like price controls on basic goods — many of which are reportedly in short supply.  After meeting with Venezuelan paper company PAVECA, which agreed to increase its output, Fleming told AVN he will move to "saturate" the market and "clean up this mess" to alleviate the problem.

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Kids, let this be a reminder to always wear your pajamas!
Nothing was going to get in the way of Irakli Sharvadze saving his truck from a thief early Tuesday.
Not even a lack of clothes. 
The Calgary man put on quite a show when he was taken on a wild ride around his neighbourhood in the back of his stolen truck — all while buck naked.
About 2 a.m., Sharvadze and girlfriend Sheila Wilhelm were getting ready for bed in their Tuxedo home. When Wilhelm heard their truck start up, she alerted Sharvadze, who ran outside in the buff and jumped on top to get the thief to stop.
Instead, the crook took off, with Sharvadze hanging from the roof.
“A couple of times we drove around the neighbourhood and I thought, ‘I’m naked, but what can I do?’” he said!
Police, meanwhile, declined to give any details except the bare facts.