Well, it's not only the plastic folks!
No sir!
Seems like most of the food that we always considered good for us turns out to be...... not so good!!
That's right.
BAD!
YES SIR! ON THIS FINE SATURDAY MORNING ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT'S GOOD FOR US AND WHAT'S BAD FOR US!
AND WE HAVE COME UP WITH THE ANSWER!
(There is hope amongst the doom and gloom!)
Due to a year long study into the everyday effects of common foods the Perspective research department has come up with a list of ways to increase our general good health!
Resident Perspective health and fitness expert, Dr. Dwayne (Quack) Cryer is here to answer all of your lifestyle questions!Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO.......! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, we certainly hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits and Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits and Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits and Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits and Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you........!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know......!) and is available as an E-Book H E R E ! and as a paperback H E R E !
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://allans-perspective.blogspot.com
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