Sunday morning funnies #64

This was sent in by an old high school buddy!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you…she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

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According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

Ask a woman how she stubbed her toe and she'll say she walked into a chair, ask a man and he'll say someone left a chair in the middle of the room.

The difference between Government Bonds and men is that Government Bonds mature.

The difference between man and E.T. is that E.T. phoned home.

"Easy" is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing. The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Have you ever wondered why it takes MILLIONS of sperm and only one egg to make a baby? It's because not one of those little surfers will stop and ask for directions!

How can men and women process information differently if they're given the same information? Simple, women begin their processing by listening!

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.

A man says to his wife, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." "OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

A man thinks he knows, but a woman knows better. (Chinese proverb)

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Men always want to be a woman's first love, women like to be a man's last romance. (Oscar Wilde)

Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.

Men define a 50-50 relationship as you cook/I eat; you clean/I make messes; you iron/I wrinkle; etc.

Men forget everything, women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

MEN need signs...WOMEN work ALL the time!

Men play the game, women know the score.

Men see objects; women see the relationship between objects.

Psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women because when it's time for a man to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

She says, "He forgets stuff I tell him, so I have to repeat myself over and over again."He says, "She nags me."

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh!

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 pounds!

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes!

When men and women agree, it is only in their conclusions; their reasons are always different.

Wife: I hate seeing all those rear ends in the jeans commercials. Husband: I guess they want you to see the labels. Wife: Well, why don't they put the labels on the knees? bHusband: No one would look there!

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's - she changes it more often!

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

Women and cats will do exactly at they please, men and dogs should just relax and get used to it.

Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself--like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

And finally.........Would you like to speak to the man in charge or the woman who knows what's going on?



Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know......!) and is available as an E-Book H E R E! and H E R E! And as a paperback H E R E ! and H E R E !