Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stew.’
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, ‘No, it ain’t Stew.’
The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, Stew had two arseholes.’
‘What? He had two arseholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say:
There’s Stew with them two arseholes
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IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG…
Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing NDP tee shirts, four stupid Liberals wearing Boob Rae tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
FOR THE LAST TIME…
THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
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Two men from Timmins were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One guy turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”
Gasping, she shook her head “No.”
He asked “Can ya breathe?”
Still gasping she again shook her head “No.”
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The guy sat back down with his friend and said “Ya know, it’s amazin’ — that hind-lick maneuver always works!”——————————————-
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My penis died.”
Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”
Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his junk hanging out.
“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your penis had died!”
“It did” he said. “Today’s the viewing.”————————————————-
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms—Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.
“Olympic condoms?” she asks. “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors,” he replies. “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.
“Gold, of course,” says the man proudly.
The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver?”
“Why silver?” asks the man. ”Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.”
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A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes get big and he says, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!”
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, “Ohhhh. Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”
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