Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”
“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says….
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
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During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord.”
“Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.”
“The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.”
“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.”
“They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is ‘sternum.”
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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.
“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen so I outrank you. So put the tray-up, Bitch”
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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
“He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake.”
“He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabby said,
“I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
———————————————–
These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)
They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to them.
They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bulls’ pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, “OK, let’s get out and get him”!
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts – “THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!”
The front guy says, “Well, I’m gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!”
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Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven “Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?”
Sven replies, “Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!”
Ole says, with wide eyes, “Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.”
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, “Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.”
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, “Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?”
Ole replies, “No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!”
———————————————————-
Dan, a 35 year old New York stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age.
Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the Vermont mountains.
After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.
He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.
“May I help you,” Dan asks.
“The name’s Jim, I live ’bout two miles down the road in my cabin,” the man says.
“I’m having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I’d invite you seein’ that you’re new and all here.”
Dan accepts the invitation saying, “Great, I haven’t been out in six months.”
Jim says “I gotta warn ya, there’s gon’ be a lot a drinkin at this party.”
“Well, I’ve been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them,” Dan replies.
“A lot of fightin’ goes on that these parties too,” Jim says.
Dan replies “well, it’ll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own.”
Jim offers, “there’s also gon’ be some wild love making.”
“Well I have been alone for the last six months,” Dan says with a laugh.
So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says “What should I wear?”
Jim turns and replies, “Whatever you want, just gon’ be us two.”
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