A couple are at the airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight. They
are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, and all ready to
head home to the Canadian winter.
An older American couple standing nearby, are intrigued by their
manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, “Look at that couple. I
wonder where they’re from?”
He replies, “How would I know?”
She counters, “You could go and ask them.”
He says, “I don’t really care. You want to know, you go ask them.”
She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks,
“Excuse me. I’ve been noticing the way you’re dressed and I wonder
where you’re from?”
The Canadian farmer replies, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan”.
The woman returns to her husband who asks, “So, where are they from?”
She replies, “I don’t know. They don’t speak English.”
——————————————————————————-
They could be worse (I think)
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now .
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it .
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations .
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz .
Energizer bunny arrested — charged with battery .
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds .
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro – what a rip off !
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
Earthquake in Washington D.C. obviously government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
——————————————————
Subject: Marriage
>
> How a marriage works
>
> All men should read this!!!
> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
> although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and
> party with his old buddies …
>
> So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’
>
> ‘Where are you going, honey bunch?’ asked the wife.
>
> ‘I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.’
>
> The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’
>
> She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
> different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
> Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
>
> The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could
> think of saying was, ‘Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…..you
> know…they have frozen glasses…..’
>
> He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
> him by saying,
>
> ‘You want a frozen glass, puppy face?’
>
> She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
> getting chills just holding it.
>
> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
> Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I
> won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’
>
> You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?’ She opened the oven and took
> out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
> blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
>
> ‘But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know…there’s swearing,
> dirty words and all that….’
>
> ‘You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your
> Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are
> Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Arsehole?’
>
> So he stayed home……………………….and, they lived happily
> ever after.
>
> Now, isn’t that a sweet story?
———————————————————–
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
—————————————————————–
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
———————————————————————-
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
—————————————————————–
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
—————————————————
AND FINALLY, WE JUST GOT WORD THAT THE EAST COAST RECEIVED ANOTHER TWO FEET OF SNOW OVERNIGHT!!!!!
(I promise there will never be any more puns -Ed.)
manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, “Look at that couple. I
wonder where they’re from?”
He replies, “How would I know?”
She counters, “You could go and ask them.”
He says, “I don’t really care. You want to know, you go ask them.”
She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks,
“Excuse me. I’ve been noticing the way you’re dressed and I wonder
where you’re from?”
The Canadian farmer replies, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan”.
The woman returns to her husband who asks, “So, where are they from?”
She replies, “I don’t know. They don’t speak English.”
——————————————————————————-
They could be worse (I think)
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now .
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it .
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations .
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz .
Energizer bunny arrested — charged with battery .
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds .
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro – what a rip off !
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
Earthquake in Washington D.C. obviously government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
——————————————————
Subject: Marriage
>
> How a marriage works
>
> All men should read this!!!
> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
> although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and
> party with his old buddies …
>
> So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’
>
> ‘Where are you going, honey bunch?’ asked the wife.
>
> ‘I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.’
>
> The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’
>
> She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
> different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
> Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
>
> The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could
> think of saying was, ‘Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…..you
> know…they have frozen glasses…..’
>
> He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
> him by saying,
>
> ‘You want a frozen glass, puppy face?’
>
> She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
> getting chills just holding it.
>
> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
> Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I
> won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’
>
> You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?’ She opened the oven and took
> out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
> blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
>
> ‘But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know…there’s swearing,
> dirty words and all that….’
>
> ‘You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your
> Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are
> Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Arsehole?’
>
> So he stayed home……………………….and, they lived happily
> ever after.
>
> Now, isn’t that a sweet story?
———————————————————–
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
—————————————————————–
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
———————————————————————-
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
—————————————————————–
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
—————————————————
AND FINALLY, WE JUST GOT WORD THAT THE EAST COAST RECEIVED ANOTHER TWO FEET OF SNOW OVERNIGHT!!!!!
(I promise there will never be any more puns -Ed.)
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