Sunday Morning Funnies: This n’ That!

  

                 

                    

You can only milk a dead cow once.
A hair on the head is worth six on the back.
You can’t trade shoes with a barefoot monkey.
There are two sides to every waffle.
You can’t fill a hat with maybes.
A pit in a peach is worth six in a bucket.
It only rains blood in Idaho.
An honest man eats soap.
There’s never enough time to chew all the ice.
A paperclip won’t make the dog sit up.
Nobody’s too tall for pudding.
A potato with no eyes is better than a calendar with no days.
Anybody can be on top if they take the elevator.
A stapler to the head is the strongest motivator
He folded like a wet watermelon.
You’re looking at seven, but you’re eating six.
It feels like we’re walking towards Cleveland with this one.
If you read the title, you read the index.
Every pig gets twisted some weeks.
I haven’t seen you in a year of sunshines.
You can’t bend steel with tears.
Not even for county dentistry.
It’s worth all you’ve got plus five pizzas.
First one shaved means last one buried.
Let’s run it past Weird Al and see what the parody sounds like.
It’s the last pair of pants that’ll get ya!
As far as I’m concerned, she hangs the moon and neatly folds the sun.
This guy’s the proverbial doctor of Twistin’!
Happiness is the result of careful editing.
Failure runs in the family.
It’s like they always say, list comedy is the last resort of the incompetent hack.
•    There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
•    A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
•    The programmer’s national anthem is ‘AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!’.
•    At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
•    Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”
•    Computer analyst to programmer: “You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.”
•    Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.
•    Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
•    Hit any user to continue.
•    I wish life had an UNDO function.
•    If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
•    It said “Insert disk 3…” but only 2 fit in the drive.
•    Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait
•    665.9238429876 – Number of the Pentium Beast
•    I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
•    My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
•    Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
•    ”To know recursion, you must first know recursion”
•    Life’s unfair – but root password helps!
•    Mountain Dew and doughnuts… because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
•    Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
•    ”Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
•    Intel: We put the “um…” in Pentium.
•    Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says “Click…”, wait for the rest of the sentence.
•    BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
•    BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
•    As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
•    Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
•    Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
•    Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
•    All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
•    A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
•    Managing programmers is like herding cats.
•    ”There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.”
•    ”A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.”
•    C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
•    A computer scientist is someone who, when told to “Go to Hell,” sees the “go to,” rather than the destination, as harmful.
•    1010011010 – The binary number of the Beast
•    APATHY ERROR: Don’t bother striking any key. Application has reported a “Not My Fault” in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
•    ”The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea.”