1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….
I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and
‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!
——————————————–
> No matter what side of the political fence you’re on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY
> telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.
>
> Remus Rudd
> Judy Harper, an amateur genealogy researcher in Northern Ontario, was doing
> some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime
> Minister Stephen Harper’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for
> horse stealing and train robbery in Winnipeg in 1889. Both Judy and Stephen
> Harper share this common ancestor.
>
> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the
> Manitoba Provincial Jail. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during
> her research is this inscription:
>
> Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Stoney Mountain Jail 1885, escaped 1887,
> robbed the CP AND CN trains six times.
>
> Caught by Mounted Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.
>
> So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Harper for information about their
> great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.
>
> Believe it or not, Harper’s staff sent back the following biographical
> sketch for her genealogy research:
>
> Remus Rudd was famous in Ontario during the mid to late 1800s. His business
> empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
> intimate dealings with the CP and CN Railways.
>
> Beginning in mid 1880s, he devoted several years of his life to government
> service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroads.
>
> In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Mounted
> Police Force.
>
> In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his
> honour, when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.
>
> NOW That’s how it’s done, Folks! Now that’s a real POLITICAL SPIN!
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so,
the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his
blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous
again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only
I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and
‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!
——————————————–
> No matter what side of the political fence you’re on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY
> telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.
>
> Remus Rudd
> Judy Harper, an amateur genealogy researcher in Northern Ontario, was doing
> some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime
> Minister Stephen Harper’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for
> horse stealing and train robbery in Winnipeg in 1889. Both Judy and Stephen
> Harper share this common ancestor.
>
> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the
> Manitoba Provincial Jail. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during
> her research is this inscription:
>
> Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Stoney Mountain Jail 1885, escaped 1887,
> robbed the CP AND CN trains six times.
>
> Caught by Mounted Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.
>
> So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Harper for information about their
> great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.
>
> Believe it or not, Harper’s staff sent back the following biographical
> sketch for her genealogy research:
>
> Remus Rudd was famous in Ontario during the mid to late 1800s. His business
> empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
> intimate dealings with the CP and CN Railways.
>
> Beginning in mid 1880s, he devoted several years of his life to government
> service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroads.
>
> In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Mounted
> Police Force.
>
> In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his
> honour, when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.
>
> NOW That’s how it’s done, Folks! Now that’s a real POLITICAL SPIN!
> Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. > Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.. > > In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase > a bull so that they can breed their own stock. > > Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide > to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’ > > The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she > wants to buy it. > > The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. > > After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a > telegram to tell her the news.. > > She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to > my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. > > I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we > can haul it home.’ > > The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, > it will cost 99 cents a word. > > Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be > able to send her sister one word. > > After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her > the word ‘comfortable.’ > > The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want > her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul > that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’ > > The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big. > > She’ll read it very slowly… ‘com-for-da-bul.’ >
—————————————————————-
surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so,
the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his
blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous
again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only
gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street .” To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.
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