1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….
I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and
‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor!
> No matter what side of the political fence you’re on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY
> telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.
> Remus Rudd
> Judy Harper, an amateur genealogy researcher in Northern Ontario, was doing
> some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime
> Minister Stephen Harper’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for
> horse stealing and train robbery in
Winnipeg in 1889. Both Judy and Stephen
> Harper share this common ancestor.
> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the
> Manitoba Provincial Jail. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during
> her research is this inscription:
> Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Stoney Mountain Jail 1885, escaped 1887,
> robbed the CP AND CN trains six times.
> Caught by Mounted Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.
> So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Harper for information about their
> great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.
> Believe it or not, Harper’s staff sent back the following biographical
> sketch for her genealogy research:
> Remus Rudd was famous in
Ontario during the mid to late 1800s. His business
> empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
> intimate dealings with the CP and CN Railways.
> Beginning in mid 1880s, he devoted several years of his life to government
> service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroads.
> In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Mounted
> Police Force.
> In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his
> honour, when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.
> NOW That’s how it’s done, Folks! Now that’s a real POLITICAL SPIN!

> Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. > Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.. > > In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase > a bull so that they can breed their own stock. > > Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide > to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’ > > The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she > wants to buy it. > > The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. > > After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a > telegram to tell her the news.. > > She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to > my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. > > I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we > can haul it home.’ > > The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, > it will cost 99 cents a word. > > Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be > able to send her sister one word. > > After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her > the word ‘comfortable.’ > > The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want > her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul > that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’ > > The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big. > > She’ll read it very slowly… ‘com-for-da-bul.’ >


An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the
surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so,
the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his
blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of  Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous
again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only
gave me a thank-you card and a box of  Quality Street .” To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.